


You'll Kill Me If You Stop

by photographer_of_thoughts



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Bottom Even Bech Næsheim, Cheating, Desperation, Feelings, Films, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Insecure Isak, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Tension, Switching, Top Isak Valtersen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-02-04 10:59:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: Isak decides to go and see the film 'Call Me By Your Name' because he can't turn off his own feelings that have been building for a long time now. He thinks he won't see anyone he knows there because this isn't the kind of film his friends or anyone from Nissen would appreciate.But then he sits next to Even, who is also seeing the film alone.





	1. To Speak or To Die

**Author's Note:**

> I just saw 'Call Me By Your Name' this weekend and I have so many feelings about it. I channeled some of them into this fic because I couldn't help myself. I HIGHLY recommend the film and/or the novel because holy fuck. It's pure poetry. We are also going to pretend that the film was released last year, right around the beginning of Isak's second year (start of season 3 :P) 
> 
> I do mention some things about the film so if you don't want to know anything about the film, you may not want to read. 
> 
> Skam and Call Me By Your Name do not belong to me in any form.

_“This is who I am, this is how I’m made. Here. Take me. I’m yours.”_

Isak had decided to go so last minute that he arrived during the opening credits. He snuck in to the pitch black theatre, breath coming fast and made his way to the top row where there was still an open seat. He sat down, unable to not feel the throb of his heart in his neck. He was shaking with nerves and it was completely stupid because nobody knew where he was. He hadn’t told anyone he was coming to see this movie.

He tried to turn his thoughts off. He wanted his mind blank. He wanted to give his whole attention to the film that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about. But as the movie began, all he kept wondering was if he knew anyone here. If someone from his school was a few rows down, or if a friend of his mother’s was here; if someone would recognize him.

But why would anyone he knew come to see this film?

It wasn’t an action movie like he knew Magnus liked. It wasn’t a comedy like Jonas usually wanted to go and see. It was a coming of age story. It hadn’t been made with an endless amount of funds for things like blowing up cars; eye-straining fight scenes where you couldn’t focus on a single thing. In this movie, there was only a boy Isak’s age falling in love.

With a man.

Isak hadn’t told anyone he was coming here because he couldn’t. He couldn’t admit to anyone that he was maybe attracted to boys. That he was perhaps not attracted at all to girls. That he was up into the early hours of the morning wishing he didn’t have these feelings; wishing that girl at the house party was able to stir some kind of feeling in him. Some sort of lust, desire; passion for her scent or her body.

But he’d felt nothing.

The boy in the film, Elio, was being touched by the other man, Oliver. It sent a thrill through Isak as he imagined what that would feel like. His warm, summer kissed skin being rubbed by calloused, large hands. Isak would probably squirm the way Elio was. He would probably lose his breath. He would probably shrink away because it would be too much and he would be scared about all the other people around him seeing it happen; seeing how his flesh turned to goosebumps as the other man’s fingertips scalded him.

Isak was so deep in thought that he nearly missed it when the person next to him ran their fingers along Isak’s knuckles of his left hand. But when the person’s skin touched Isak, he felt burned. He felt himself flinch and he turned in the darkness to see if the touch had been intentional.

“Isak, right?”

Isak did forget to breathe now. It was the guy from kosegruppa. The one Isak had shared a joint with last Friday and hadn’t really seen again. The one with the beautiful smile who had turned Isak’s insides to absolute mush.

“E-Even?” Isak squeaked, trying to keep his voice down.

“I thought that was you.” Even whispered, his whole body moved close enough so he could say the words directly into Isak’s ear. It made Isak shiver, sink deeper into his seat.

_Fuck._

“Popcorn?” Even offered, handing the bag over to Isak.

Isak met his gaze, seeing Even’s eyebrows raised in a question. Even didn’t look disgusted. He didn’t look like he found it amusing Isak was here. It occurred to Isak right then that Even was alone too. Had he come to see this movie all by himself, with perhaps the same excuse as Isak? Did nobody know about Even too? Did he have some shameful desires hidden in his heart, unknown to everyone who loved him?

Isak put his hand into the bag and took out a handful of popcorn, shoving it into his mouth. He hadn’t gotten the chance to go buy some snacks because he had been too late; hadn’t wanted to miss the movie.

“We can share, okay?” Even whispered, keeping the bag between them now as he turned his gaze back to the screen.

Isak looked back too, wanting to be under the spell he had found himself in moments before. But now he was just hyper-aware of Even next to him. He could make out the faint smell of Even’s cologne when he shifted in his seat. Their hands kept brushing when they reached into the popcorn at the same time, and it was such a fucking cliché. But it drove Isak _crazy._

The softness of the other boy’s skin. It was warm just like Isak had imagined Elio’s shoulders would have been when Oliver started massaging them.

And Isak was definitely reacting the way Elio had to Oliver’s touch. Isak kept shrinking away, kept yanking his hand out when they touched briefly and motioned for Even to get some popcorn first. He was trying his hardest to brush it all off, like he wasn’t affected. But he could feel Even’s eyes on him as he studiously looked at the film.

 _I see straight through you,_ is what Isak figured Even was thinking. _I see you._

The film was moving slowly, but the whole experience of it was intoxicating. Isak felt everything Elio was feeling because he was being forced too. He laughed at Elio’s desperation. He swallowed thickly when Oliver gazed at Elio. And when Elio and Oliver had rode their bikes into town and Elio said, “If you only knew what I don’t know. I don’t know anything about the things that matter” Isak got out of his seat and practically ran down the stairs.

He _really_ couldn’t breathe now.

_I don’t know either. I don’t have a fucking clue._

“Isak?”

There was a warm hand on Isak’s back as Isak came back into his body. He was leaning against the wall right outside the theatre in the abandoned hall, and Even had followed him out.

Shit. How long had he been gone?

“Hey, you all right?” Even whispered, turning Isak so that he was facing the taller boy. “You just ran out and I…”

“I’m fine. Good.” Isak nodded, shaking his head as he formed his lips into a tight smile. He didn’t meet Even’s eyes because he couldn’t.

“Let’s go back.”

“I can’t. I’m going to go.” Isak protested. _I can’t finish this film. I feel too raw._

Even didn’t say anything for a long second. He was staring at Isak and Isak could feel it. They were both still, Isak telling himself to move but he couldn’t. He couldn’t make his feet start carrying him out, back to his room where he would have to pretend to be someone else.

“I’ve been dying to see this movie. I’ve read the book about three times.” Even finally spoke, moving closer to Isak as he said the words.

“You go back. I don’t want you to miss it.” Isak whispered, suddenly feeling guilty and confused as to why Even had come looking for him.

“The thing is,” Even smirked, nearly touching Isak now; their fronts practically lined up. “I _hate_ seeing movies alone. I came here because nobody would come with me. Nobody appreciates these kinds of films. But, they are the _most_ important ones.”

Isak looked up at him, finding the courage somehow.

“It scares me.” Isak said, the words barely audible.

“Maybe that’s good. And maybe it’s fate or something that we are here alone. We can be alone…together.” Even smiled, and to Isak’s shock he moved forward and touched Isak’s nose with his own; staying close to him.

“I…”

“ _Please.”_ Even said, his breath hot on Isak’s face. “You’ll kill me if you go.”

**

Isak stayed.

He finished the popcorn and had a sip of Even’s soda, his lips wrapped around the straw during the peach scene. A throb of arousal rushed through him and he hadn’t realized he was biting on the straw until he felt Even’s fingers reach up and pull the straw out of his mouth.

“Let go.” Even said, just as Oliver in the film told Elio to ‘let go.’ Clearly, Even had memorized the book and that line had been from the novel. Isak was impressed and flustered and hard in his jeans, unable to feel anything else but Even’s fingers still resting gently on Isak’s chin.

The darkness of the theatre lulled Isak into a trance-like state, a space where he felt alone with Even; like everything was safe and solitary. That was why he let Even hold his hand, wrap his large fingers through Isak’s and squeeze; pulling their joined hands to rest on his knee.

Isak didn’t know how to go on after that, like Elio didn’t know how to go on. Isak didn’t know whether to squeeze Even’s hand or move closer. He wanted to kiss Even. He knew he wanted to kiss him, feel his mouth; let himself fucking go.

Even again made the decision for Isak and moved their hands closer to the space where his thighs met. Isak was panting at this point, his cheeks flushed; anticipation making his toes numb. He actually wouldn’t be surprised if he got a nosebleed at this point because _fuck._

Isak could feel that Even was hard too when he pressed Isak’s hand down against him, bucking his hips up slightly for emphasis. Isak moved in his seat, the chair too small for the unrelenting, enormous feelings surrounding them in the darkness. He wanted to _do_ something but he couldn’t and it was the most delicious kind of longing; of desire, complete agony.

Even was looking at the screen but he was thrusting against Isak’s hand. Faster and harder and his eyes were closing from the pleasure of it. There wasn’t anyone in the seat next to either of them but there were still people in their row and Isak was nervous as much as he was completely turned on; wondering desperately if he could make Even come like this.

But Isak didn’t find out because suddenly Even was pushing Isak’s hand away, off his groin and back onto his knee. Isak almost reached back, hardly able to stand the lack of warmth; the absence of Even. So Isak squeezed Even’s thigh instead, trying to convey his frustration.

“Gotta stop.” Even said, again whispering the words to Isak like they were a secret. Isak felt his stomach drop as Even moved Isak’s hand back to his own knee and settled back in his own seat, a significant amount of space between them now.

Isak had an intense urge to start sobbing. It all felt like rejection.

By the end of the film, Isak _was_ crying, wiping the tears off his cheeks as people started standing up to leave. Even didn’t get up though. He waited and stared at the screen until everyone else had left, until it was just them alone in the theatre in the back row; allusions of their privacy long forgotten under the bright lights.

“Isak.”

“Even.”

_Please._

_Do something._

But Even still didn’t move.

Isak took a deep breath, knowing someone would be coming in to clean the theatre any minute now. He was about to stand, giving up, but then Even grabbed both sides of his face and brought their mouths together; kissing him with a force Isak hadn’t experienced before.

He kissed back even though he was stunned; even though this felt like goodbye. Their break from the world had ended just like Elio and Oliver’s had in the film; this kiss like the one Elio and Oliver would have – _should have –_ shared when they stood in front of the train. It meant so many things all at once, but it didn’t feel like a beginning. It was everything but a beginning.

Even broke away with a soft moan, standing up and walking out of the theatre. Isak half expected him to say ‘later’ like Oliver did; with a tone of nonchalance that was devastating and familiar. But Even didn’t say anything. Isak didn’t say anything.

Maybe that was the answer to the question. _Is it better to speak or die?_

Sometimes it’s hard to speak.


	2. Words are Futile Devices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Even POV*

_“Tomorrow I go back to my coma, and you to yours. Pardon, I didn’t mean to offend—I am sure yours is no coma.”_

_“No, a parallel life.”_

What was he doing?

What the _fuck_ was he doing?

Even marched to the tram stop, his chest constricting as he ran a finger over his lips; still tasting Isak. The wind was cold on his face and he suddenly had this absurd thought that the outside air would wash away Isak’s scent; erase what had happened so Even had no reminder. But something told him he would _never_ forget. None of it would fade from memory.

He was so stupid. Why had he done that? All he wanted was to come and see the movie that he had been so excited about for _months._ He had just wanted some salty popcorn and a night where he didn’t have to face anything; where he could turn himself off. But tonight had been the exact opposite.

He was so fucking _alive._ He was buzzing, unable to keep still. Completely unwilling to go home now and text his friends, his girlfriend.

His girlfriend.

God, he was an asshole.

He was standing by the tram stop, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette when he saw out of the corner of his eye someone standing next to him. He ignored it, because one normally just ignores other people on public transportation. He lit his cigarette – feeling guilty for a second because he promised Sonja that he quit two months ago – and then turned to glance at the person who was standing a bit too close to him now.

His eyes went wide in recognition.

“I – Look, I go this way too and I’m freezing and don’t want to wait for another tram.” Isak whispered, shivering as he said the words to the ground; unable to meet Even’s eyes.

_Of course. Of course you go this way too. I’ve seen you on the tram before._

“Okay.”

“I…” Isak began, opening his mouth. But no words came out. He shuddered a bit as a cold breeze rushed past them, sucking in a deep breath that pushed his chest out. Even was watching, seeing the pink of Isak’s mouth and the motion of his chest. Had he _ever_ stopped being hard since Isak had touched him? The aching had subsided a little, the desperation held at bay, but now it came whirling back; made his head dizzy with just how badly he ached for the other boy.

_Isak. Isak._

“You’re cold.” Even said, blowing out some smoke before stepping forward. Isak wasn’t wearing a warm enough coat for how cold the night was. So, instinctually, he reached out and put his arms around Isak, bringing the slightly shorter boy into his embrace.

Isak just ended up shuddering more.

“It’s okay.” Even whispered, knowing it wasn’t okay. Knowing he was just making things harder; making Isak believe he was able to have Even.

_I wish you could have me._

Isak, who had before remained motionless, suddenly brought his own arms up and clung a bit too tightly to Even, pushing his face into Even’s neck and breathing out. It was Even’s turn to shudder now, Isak’s movements having brought their bodies together; aligning their groins and their chests and Even couldn’t help but thrust forward – the way he had in the theatre when he’d lost his mind for a second.

Isak moaned a little, the smallest sound, but Even heard it and savoured it; the sound making him bolder and crazier, made him grab a handful of Isak’s hair underneath his beanie and tug it, bring his mouth up to Even’s. Isak looked wrecked and broken and Even wanted to ease the pain of this, wanted Isak to know that he didn’t have to hide himself. If he liked boys it was okay. Nobody was around them. The tram stop was empty. It was just them.

Isak moved first this time, going up on the tips of his toes to place a wet kiss on Even’s mouth, opening his mouth wider so Even could push his tongue inside; giving himself over entirely and Even was so fucked up over it. He dropped his cigarette onto the ground and gripped Isak’s face with both his hands, covering Isak’s cheeks, pushing his mouth open on the sides just that much more.

_If you want this I’ll give it to you. Just tonight. Just for now._

Even had a strong urge, stronger than anything he’d felt before, to have Isak underneath him on a bed. He wanted to feel skin. He wanted Isak wrapped around him, _part of him,_ tasting and moving together in a way clothes just couldn’t allow right now. He wanted late nights and dinners together, an intimacy he’d understood at one point in his life but was a stranger to him now. He craved everything but there wasn’t room for everything. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t fit into reality, but Even wanted it more than he could ever possibly express.

The tram stopping in front of them is what made them pull apart. They both didn’t want to, both groaned at the interruption, slowly detangling, wiping their mouths on their sleeves.

Even let Isak get on first and Isak sat down immediately, looking for Even to follow him. When Even sat beside him, he smiled this adorable smile that made Even’s heart clench, made him want Isak even more and he suddenly felt so fucking sad. So outside of himself that he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to look at Isak anymore without wanting to cry. So he leaned in and kissed Isak again, hoping the distraction of it would calm his racing heart.

Isak didn’t kiss back. He moved _away_ and Even died a little. He made a squeaking sound of desperation that he’d never heard himself make before and it made him pull Isak towards him. _Please. Please._

“I…” Isak whispered, his eyes darting around the tram. “There’s a guy back… there.” Isak said between Even’s kisses, his face flushed from embarrassment and the cold wind.

“Okay?” Even said, a question there.

A guy. _A guy?_ Who cared?

“We…we can’t.” Isak pleaded, moving back further still now.

The spell broke again, just like it had when everyone had left the theatre. Even understood, he really did. He knew Isak was probably still deep in the closet, that all of this scared him. That they were strangers still. That other people’s opinions matter a lot to him.

And Even.

Fuck.

Even wasn’t supposed to be doing this either.

“Okay.” He said again, pulling back and giving Isak the space he said he wanted.

**

Again, Even was asking himself the same question. Again, the answer wasn’t easy to admit; wasn’t easy to understand.

_Why am I doing this?_

_What the fuck am I doing?_

Isak had asked Even to come over, to walk him home to his apartment. Isak had talked on the way there, explaining about his roommates and someone named Eskild who would most likely ambush Even with questions if he was still awake. Even had listened, had walked close beside Isak, watching their feet move in sync together on the icy pavement. He could feel the tension in Isak’s body, how he shivered through his words, how he wrung his hands together to get feeling back into them, how he stumbled over his own feet and broke the pattern of their walking.

Isak was nervous and Even could feel it; like a tangible thing in his hands. But Even wasn’t nervous. It wasn’t nerves that were crawling under his skin, making him take in bigger lungful’s of air than normal.

He felt… _shy._

Like at any moment, Isak would see him. Really see how awkward he was, how unsure and lonely. How much Even craved Isak, had spent days since school started tracing Isak’s steps, watching his face when he was reading or talking to his friends. How Even was entirely gone for this boy who he’d shared popcorn with, had touched probably too forcefully in the threate; had seen fall apart at the seams when an actor had said ‘I know nothing. Nothing about the things that matter.’

_I don’t know anything either. You matter, Isak, and I barely know anything at all._

Eskild wasn’t awake. Anyone else who lived here wasn’t awake either, so the walk from Isak’s front door to his room was short. Too short. Isak turned around to look at Even after Even closed the door behind him, and looked shell-shocked; like he couldn’t quite believe he had asked Even to come home with him and Even had actually agreed.

“We don’t have to do anything.” Even assured, walking over to Isak despite the shyness making his cheeks turn pink; despite the fact that he felt like a virgin when he most certainly was not.

“Okay.” Isak nodded, visibly relaxing.

Even reached him and put his hands on Isak’s cheeks, feeling the cold skin there burn under his palms. Blushing to warm up his cheeks was a nice way to see the colour return to Isak’s face and it made Even giggle; made him lean down and put two firm kisses on Isak’s cheeks.

“I don’t know…what I’m doing.” Isak said, a confession that surprised Even as much as it didn’t. The fact that Isak said it out loud is what was surprising, that any trace of bravado was quickly silenced. Isak wasn’t afraid to show Even that he was nervous, that what Even could see was in fact Isak falling apart.

“Me either.” Even admitted, trying to connect them further, trying to make Isak see that this wasn’t easy for him either. It wasn’t a game to him, wasn’t some kind of one night stand that would only satisfy carnal cravings and then be over.

Even wanted Isak to know that he wanted _everything,_ even if everything was impossible. How does one express that in words? How does one even begin to comprehend such a thing, the emotions behind it driving Even into a type of frenzy he could practically taste?

“I’m nervous.” Isak said and Even looked at him for a long second, wondering if Isak had intentionally quoted the movie. But when Isak just stared at him with big, wide eyes, Even knew that Isak hadn’t. He was inadvertently quoting something that meant a lot to Even, that had stuck with him since he’d first read the book two summers ago; something they had just seen come to life in film. It was strangely intimate all in itself, that Isak had been the one Even had seen it with. Even could see the parallels to Elio and Oliver like Isak and himself and it punched the air out of his lungs again.

One quote kept coming back to his head. Something about comas, waking from them when the spell was broken. Isak going back to his coma and Even going back to his, but at least… _at least_ they would have tonight. Tonight would exist above their sleeping lives, hovering and meaning something far bigger than they could comprehend.

Or maybe Even, like Elio, knew nothing.

Nothing at all.

“Don’t be nervous.” Even whispered, bringing their mouths together eagerly; wanting to taste.

Something broke in Isak with this kiss. Something made him bolder, made the nervousness he had just confessed to seem like a lie. He grabbed onto Even with a force that startled Even, pushed him down onto Isak’s unmade bed and reach for Isak; pull him onto his lap and keep him there, never wanting to let the other boy up. Isak ground his hips down, giving Even something to thrust up into and they both moaned.

 _Finally,_ Even kept thinking. _Finally I can have you like this._

But it hadn’t been that long. Even hadn’t seen Isak that many times. Not really, anyways. But it felt like it had been an eternity waiting for him, longing for him, and now here they were. Attached at the lips, arms wrapped around each other, no signs of stopping. Even was losing his breath, his mind, his sanity. And he couldn’t even be bothered to care.

Isak was rushing, in a hurry to get Even’s clothes off. He pulled at Even’s sweater, his jean jacket and kept saying ‘please, please’ as if he wasn’t aware that he was saying anything. Even sucked a bruise into Isak’s neck, trying to tell him without words to slow down.

“Baby,” Even said, saying the word softly, kindly. “Calm down.”

“I can’t.” Isak shook his head, succeeding in getting Even topless. The cold air of the room hit Even’s pale skin and made him tremble, nipples hardening. Isak was quick to notice and bent down to lick across them, tugging them gently with his teeth.

“Your turn.” Even said, taking Isak’s hat off. Then his jacket and sweater. He stared openly at Isak’s bare chest before leaning in to kiss it, fascinated by its dips and faint acne scars; wanting it all. Isak kept running his hands through Even’s hair, making it messy, making Even squirm a little and Even never wanted him to stop.

Isak was pushing down harder and harder with his hips, his breaths coming faster and Even looked at him; pulled his face away so he could look into Isak’s eyes. Isak was nearly grimacing, but not from pain. Even could feel the wet spot on Isak’s too tight jeans and he suddenly realized Isak was close to coming just from this, just from kissing and a bit of friction.

“ _Fuck.”_ Even said, rubbing his forehead on Isak’s collarbones, trying to ground himself. Too turned on for words anymore, too close to something that he didn’t want to end yet.  

Even tugged on Isak’s legs, maneuvering him until Isak was on his back on the bed, looking sad for a mere second before Even reached for the button on his jeans. Isak let out a high-pitched sound when Even got them past his hips, pulling his underwear down with it; needing that skin, needing to see everything.

Isak’s cock was red and wet. Even’s mouth watered and he was so filled with lust that he felt kind of dizzy as he lowered himself onto Isak’s naked skin, his own jeans still clinging to him.

Isak kicked his pants off the rest of the way and then wrapped his legs around Even’s hips, that desperation back now; his cock between their bellies jumping as Even kissed him again, forcing Isak to open his mouth as far as he could. As Isak let him, he wrapped his whole hand around the back of Even’s neck, squeezing; reminding Even that he wasn’t getting off easy either. That Isak had just as much a hold on him as he did on Isak and it made Even pant, his skin flushed; aching to be rid of anything between them.

“I’m…” Isak gasped, throwing his head back. “I’m… _please.”_

Even nipped at Isak’s pale neck, feeling Isak’s push harder at his jugular. Isak must be able to feel how hard Even’s heart was pumping, how he couldn’t think because of it; because of Isak’s hand. _See me,_ Even thought. _See me and feel me and fucking take me._

_I’m yours._

Isak came between their bodies, eyes squeezing shut, body freezing and clamping, arms holding Even against him. Even felt all the air go out of his chest, how a familiar feeling overtook him, starting in his stomach and pushing deeper, pulling him. Fuck, he really _was_ a virgin all over again, coming just from dry humping, just from knowing he got someone else off. But he couldn’t care. He was too busy feeling everything Isak was feeling, his dick emptying inside his jeans, his mouth slack against Isak’s; smelling the mixing of their breaths.

**

Even woke up and the first thing he noticed was the light on Isak’s bedside table. They had never shut it off before falling asleep last night, wrapped in each other’s limbs. It was barely dawn, barely time for the day to begin and Even had eleven missed calls on his phone.

He turned his phone off and stroked Isak’s hair that was billowed on Even’s chest, messy and soft. They had to get up for school soon. They had to go to class and start the week.

_Back to our comas._

Back to everything Even had successfully forgotten about.

He lingered another five minutes, memorizing Isak’s face; the freckles and creases, how his lips dipped. He pushed away the thought that he wouldn’t be this close to Isak again, and he got out of bed. He reached for his clothes, grabbed his bag and closed the door behind him silently; leaving and practically running to the tram stop in the light grey dawn, hating himself.

Hating that he was choosing his coma, his dream world; his parallel life that had never seemed a choice before. But it was a choice, and it had been made. It hadn’t been unmade just because Even had found this passionate, consuming love that simultaneously opened a thousand windows while it closed a million doors.

_I’m a coward. I’m a shy, shy coward but I’m glad I saw you. I’m glad you let me._

_This night will always be alive, living right inside me._


	3. Traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is such a late update. Life got in the way. :) 
> 
> *Isak POV*

_“And on that evening when we grow older still we'll speak about these two young men as though they were two strangers we met on the train and whom we admire and want to help along. And we'll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts.”_

**November**

The thing was, Elio and Oliver had an ending. The ending fucking sucked and it was tragic in a beautiful way but they still had an ending. They went their separate ways.

Isak didn’t have that luxury. Not only did he not get to move away from the city or the country, but Even went to the same fucking school that he did. Isak saw Even practically _every day_ and it was awful. It was awful because Even wouldn’t meet his eyes for longer than a few seconds before he darted down the corridor. Even’s face would flush and his whole body would stiffen, like a dog sensing a predator. Every time Isak so much as hinted that he wanted to talk, Even was gone.

It hurt.

It hurt more than anything Isak had experienced and it was fucking up everything in his life. He couldn’t focus on school work. He wasn’t present when he was with his friends.

He wasn’t sleeping.

Every time he closed his eyes, all he saw was Even. All he could think of was their night together, how close they’d been. How many times they’d fucked that night. How he had given himself over to Even in ways he didn’t know existed.

“Isak, for _real_.” Sana snapped, shoving Isak’s shoulder. “I’m not doing this shit on my own.”

Isak blinked, coming back to himself; his body. Right. Biology. He was supposed to be working on a worksheet with Sana, who unfortunately had landed the worst class partner. He shot her an apologetic stare.

“On it. Sorry.” He muttered, shaking his head and trying to read.

“What’s up with you? You’re always so spaced out.”

“It’s nothing.” Isak lied, brushing it off.

“Okay. Well, talk to someone would you?” She asked, flicking his arm with her painted nails. “I’m not doing your part of an assignment again.”

“Okay.” He sighed, feeling a wave of guilt.

**

Isak walked out of class feeling even worse. He hadn’t managed to grab breakfast that morning or get any coffee. He was half asleep on his feet. He was determined to get some coffee and a fucking sandwich so was therefore not entirely watching where he was going. One minute he was walking and the next he was on his ass with someone who was fucking heavy on top of him.

“Fuck! Ouch.” Isak hissed, momentarily closing his eyes.

“Shit, Isak. I’m sorry.” The person said, and it took Isak a solid five seconds before he realized who was on top of him.

Of course it was Even. Of course this would be the way in which Isak got to touch Even again; to feel the other boy on top of him. It wasn’t because they were hugging or kissing or doing anything else meaningful. It was because Isak ran right the fuck into him.

Isak pushed Even off of him with a force that seemed to shock Even. He tried to steady himself against the wall as Isak got to his feet, staring up at Isak with huge, sad eyes.

“It was my fault. Whatever. You good?” Isak asked, his voice cold and detached; something he didn’t think he would have been able to do considering the flood of emotion in his heart.

“Y-yeah.” Even stammered, standing up to his full height. His eyes weren’t leaving Isak’s and this was a new development. He was always quick to look away. To _run_ away.

It made Isak feel like he had a little bit of control back. Here was the great and powerful Even, emotionless sex God, looking at Isak like Isak was about to crush him. Maybe Isak _should_ crush him; a part of him. Maybe Isak should try and make Even feel some of the pain he’d been in for the past month and a half.

But as Isak stared right back, the moment becoming awkward, he knew he didn’t want to hurt Even. He didn’t want Even to suffer. He just wanted to _be_ with Even. He wanted to talk and go and do things like see a movie, or get coffee, or have dinner. He wanted all the time in the world that he would never get.

He wouldn’t get it because Even didn’t want him.

“Well, bye then.” Isak whispered, grabbing his bag and swinging it back on his shoulders. There wasn’t anything else to do but walk away.

Isak had made it a few steps, his back to Even, when he felt Even grab his hand. He swung Isak around and pulled him into an empty classroom, closing the door behind them. Even looked a little wrecked, perhaps astounded by his own move to get them alone after weeks of separation. He was panting slightly, leaning in towards Isak like he couldn’t help it.

Isak was suddenly too hot, his t-shirt under his jacket sticking to him. His face was undoubtedly red as he allowed himself to take in the sight of Even this close. His eyes and his full lips. God, Isak wished he could lean in and kiss him the way he had at the tram stop. He wished they could be back in that place again, no boundaries or rules. Isak was halfway there when Even turned and sat on top of a table; putting a healthy amount of distance between them.

_Come back._

“I’m sorry.” Even said, swallowing. “I’m so fucking sorry, Isak.”

Isak frowned, walking a little closer; not wanting there to be that much space between them anymore. “For what? I bumped into _you.”_

“Not that.” Even growled in what seemed like frustration, running a hand through his hair. “For everything else.”

Isak stopped, feeling rooted to the spot.

_Everything else?_ What did that mean?

Isak looked at Even for some kind of sign as to his meaning. What was ‘everything’? Was it Isak waking up that morning alone? No note. No sign of Even. Nothing but the soreness in his muscles to remind Isak that the other boy had been there.

Maybe he was sorry for the way he had shrugged Isak off at school, shrinking away from Isak’s hand where he had wrapped it around Even’s bicep when the halls were clear.

_“I just want to talk.” Isak had said._

_“I can’t.”_

Isak didn’t get anything but that. _I can’t_. Which meant: I won’t. I will not. I can’t be bothered. I’m too busy. You’re not important.

It meant nothing.

Or perhaps it was when Isak found out Even had a girlfriend? When Isak, too drunk to push Emma away, had watched Even shove his tongue down a pretty blonde’s throat and then introduce her to a few of his Nissen buddies as his girlfriend. And then shoot Isak an unreadable glance as he realized Isak had overheard.

Maybe that was it.

Or maybe... Heh. Isak wanted to laugh. The sound was sitting right in his throat, making him feel slightly nauseous. Maybe Even meant he was sorry for ever touching Isak. Maybe he was wishing they hadn’t done it. That he had never shared his popcorn or asked Isak to stay. Or that he hadn’t climbed on top of Isak and sank down on his cock, riding Isak hard and fast and making him see stars.

_“Please, Isak. Please. Make me come. Wanna come.” Even had pleaded, rubbing his forehead on Isak’s chest; too overwhelmed._

_Isak, too close to speak, too inarticulate and scared to even attempt words, had just grabbed onto Even’s hips and thrust up faster; chasing the end. Needing it to be over. Needing to be able to breathe._

Isak dropped his bag onto the floor with shaking hands, his legs weak and wobbly. His skin burning and his heart thundering. This was all so easy for Even. The apologies. The act itself. The way he could just walk away. How ignorable Isak was; how unlovable like pebbles inside your shoe you just wanted to shake away.

But it had never been like that for Isak. There wasn’t an hour that went by when he wasn’t consumed. Wasn’t angry and full of longing and a stupid sort of _hope_ that he would be able to have Even again. Isak had just been waiting. For what he hadn’t been sure. A word. A message. A _glance._

_So now you want to talk?_

_You want to bring up that night and everything it meant, or didn’t mean, when I bumped into you and you can no longer stand to see me mope? You can no longer bear the pathetically drooling way I look at you, pining after you like some child who just wants their parents’ approval?_

Isak felt tears in his eyes and he hated them. He hated himself. He hated how foolish he was, how naïve and cliché this whole thing had turned out to be.

“For fucking me?” Isak asked, wondering if it was the right thing to say but then realizing he didn’t care. “You’re sorry you took me home and fucked me all night? Again and again?”

“ _No.”_ Even said, looking scared suddenly. “I’m not sorry as in I _regret_ that night, Isak. Nothing has ever felt…”

“Shut up.” Isak interrupted, shaking his head. “You don’t get to tell me it was amazing or some shit. You don’t get to do that. You’re such a fucking…” He cut himself off, not knowing the right word.

_Asshole._

_Bastard._

_Coward._

They could all work. But they didn’t quite do justice to what Isak was feeling.

“Traitor.” Isak whispered. “You’re a fucking traitor.”

**

**Somewhere in Oslo, 2016**

Isak snuck out of his room at 3am to make a snack. He was starving and he knew Even was too. It took a lot of effort to detach himself from Even’s chest, the softness of his skin, but he knew they wouldn’t last much longer without some kind of sustenance.

Isak had just finished the tower of sandwiches when he heard someone come into the kitchen. He expected to see Even, his hair all messy and a dopey smile on his face. But when he turned around he saw Eskild in his house coat, eyebrows raised nearly to his hairline.

“Good early morning, Isak.” Eskild grumbled, his voice thick with sleep. He frowned down at the plate of food. “You wake up and suddenly have six stomachs?”

Isak chuckled nervously, shifting from foot to foot. “Um. Yeah. Just really hungry, I guess. I used some of your cheese. Hope that’s all right.”

“It’s fine.” Eskild smirked, leaning against the counter. “You’re not alone in your room, are you?”

_Shit._

_Of course he knows. Eskild somehow knows everything._

“No?” Isak said, phrasing it like a question.

Eskild nodded, looking like he was proud and this was getting too weird. Isak was basically naked in his underwear, skin a bit cold, and his stomach grumbling with Even waiting in his sex-smelling bed. Time for this to end.

“See you in the morning, then.” Isak smiled, walking past Eskild as quick as he could.

“You can talk to me about him, you know.” Eskild whispered, just before Isak was in the clear. The words stopped Isak, made him turn around and blush.

_Him._ Eskild knew it was a guy.

“Eskild, I’m not…” Isak was about to deny it. About to do what he always did with stuff like this and completely shrug it off. But he cut himself off. This was Eskild. If anyone would understand, it was him.

“It’s okay, Isak. We don’t have to talk. I’m just saying, I’m _here._ If you need me.” Eskild said, sincerity in every word.

Isak shot him a grateful glance before ducking back into his room.

Even had Isak’s laptop open, headphones over his ears and he looked deep in thought as Isak set the plate down on the bed. Even looked over and smiled, grabbing a sandwich before he went back to searching for whatever it was.

Isak, eating his own sandwich, took a second to admire the boy next to him. Even had a bruise forming on his neck where Isak had bit down just a little too hard. He had a constellation of freckles on his back and shoulders, kind of like Isak did too but his were darker. His fingers were long and graceful as he typed something into the website, and his hair was indeed messed up. Isak remembered messing his hair up, needing something to hold onto. Needing to make Even stay with him.

“I can’t believe you haven’t listened to Nas, so I found some of my favourite songs. Here.” Even said, handing the headphones over to Isak. He grabbed another sandwich as Isak listened, rubbing his hand over Isak’s knee.

The music was good. And so was the joint they shared fifteen minutes later. Then things got deep and Isak went on about the theory of parallel universes, babbling on and on about how interesting he thought it was. Even listened quietly, and Isak feared he had fallen asleep. But when he looked over, Even was very much awake; his lips formed into a thin line.

“S-sorry.” Isak stuttered, suddenly self-conscious. “I know not everyone thinks it’s interesting.”

“It’s fine.” Even humored him, smiling. He pulled Isak up from the bed so they were facing each other. “But I think that’s enough jay for you.”

“Shut up.” Isak rolled his eyes, leaning in for a kiss. It was meant to be quick, teasing, but Even didn’t let him go that easily. Even held him close, deepening the kiss, making Isak open up to him.

Isak expected arousal. He expected his body to respond the way it had for the past four hours to Even’s touches, but instead Isak’s chest was suddenly too tight. He had this ludicrous thought that he was about to cry, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was about to lose something. He opened his eyes and saw Even staring back at him, eyes wide.

“Isak, I…” Even whispered, putting their foreheads together.

“I don’t want this to end.” Isak interrupted, scared he would never say it otherwise.

Even let out a strangled breath, shivering as he did. He pulled Isak down onto his chest, cradling him; trying to give them both comfort. Isak wrapped his arms around Even and squeezed as tightly as he could.

“I know.” Even finally said. “I know.”

**

Even stared at Isak like he had just been slapped.

“Isak, please listen to me.”

Isak shook his head, not wanting to cry in front of Even; not wanting to feel this anymore. He wanted to let Even go. He wanted him out of his system. He wanted him so far away that the idea of running into him in a hallway would be impossible.

Part of Isak wanted Even to no longer exist.

“Isak, I’m not a traitor. I’m _not.”_ Even said, standing up from the table and walking over to Isak. Isak didn’t move, couldn’t find it in him to flinch or act like he was scared.

He wasn’t scared. He was fucking heart broken.

“You left. You fucking _left.”_ Isak whispered, his voice breaking. Even was holding him now; his big and graceful hands on Isak’s cheeks.

“ _That’s_ what I’m sorry for, baby.” Even said, bringing their foreheads together. The gesture was so familiar, so _them,_ even though Isak had to keep reminding himself there was never a ‘them.’

“I’m sorry for walking away.”

Isak let himself cry now, unable to help it. He buried his face into Even’s shoulder, feeling completely ruined. He cried because it had been nearly two months since he’d touched Even like this. Two months since he’d allowed himself to feel what he had been feeling for other boys, how Even had let him be whoever it was that he wanted to be.

It had been nearly two months since Isak had felt like he belonged in his own skin.

As Even held him, Isak couldn’t help but think back to the movie. And the book, because he’d read it at least three times since his night with Even; since their evening together when everything felt like it had changed.

Elio and Oliver chose to live in parallel lives, like parallel universes. But they chose a universe in which they weren’t together. They weren’t fulfilled. They didn’t choose love, and maybe they couldn’t. Maybe that was an impossibility for them.

But Isak knew there was regret in both their hearts. Elio never forgot their summer, and Oliver carried Elio with him even though they didn’t speak; didn’t see each other. Isak read the ending of the book in tears because he wanted to scream at them both. _Why aren’t you together? Why did you marry someone else? Why didn’t you see Oliver sooner? Why did you let each other go?_

Even and Isak didn’t have a summer together. They’d had a night. One night. And maybe that shouldn’t be life changing. Maybe that shouldn’t have meant as much as it did. But it meant a lot to Isak. It meant more than he could probably comprehend. And he didn’t want to leave it, _end_ it, without communicating; without letting Even know they _could_ have this.

They just had to speak.

“Do you still want to walk away?” Isak asked, pulling back; searching for eyes he couldn’t believe he already knew so well.

Even looked at Isak in a way that wasn’t familiar; wasn’t something they’d shared together yet so Isak couldn’t read it, couldn’t understand. He felt like they were both holding their breaths and all Isak could hear was his heart hammering in his chest, making him feel dizzy.

“I don’t know.” Even whispered, shaking his head. “I don’t know.”

Isak expected that to be the end. No more talking. Any second now Even was going to leave, walk out and another two months would go by with Isak stuck feeling like this. Stuck hoping because Even had never clearly said _no._

But then Even was kissing him, bringing their mouths together and pulling Isak against him. Isak clung back, giving everything he had; his chest suddenly lighter.

Even ran a hand through Isak’s hair and pulled back saying, “I don’t know how to let you go.”


	4. What a Waste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pokes head out from under desk* Um...hi. 
> 
> I know I know! I left the fic so long, and then said it was finished, but...lots of you seemed unsatisfied with the ending. And to be honest, so was I. So, guess who's back? Back again? :P 
> 
> I'm going to try and update more frequently. Life has just been hectic and honestly kind of shit lately, so forgive me for leaving. Love you all. <3

_“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!”_

“Then don’t.” Isak whispered, his lips touching Even’s as he spoke. “Don’t let me go.”

Even closed his eyes, swallowing hard against the onslaught of emotion raging inside of him. Isak was in his arms, clinging back to him; letting Even touch him when he had no right to. Even didn’t deserve to do anything to Isak – to even look at him. What he’d done was unforgivable.

Isak looked at him like Even hung the moon, like he’d done something miraculous just by being alive. Isak had no idea that Even wasn’t beautiful. He wasn’t worthy of the looks Isak gave him. He wasn’t _anything_ compared to Isak. He wasn’t as smart. He wasn’t as funny.

Even was still with his girlfriend. Even had cheated on Sonja – the woman who had loved him through the most horrible times of his life. Even had slept with Isak and of course he didn’t regret it, but he also shouldn’t have. He didn’t trust himself with anything now because of what he’d let happen. He could barely breathe, unable to fathom how such incredible people like Sonja and Isak could want him.

“Isak, you don’t want me.” Even said, pulling away from Isak; hating how Isak’s cheeks were swollen because he’d been crying moments before.

“I do.”

“Why?”

Even had to ask. He had to make Isak understand that what he was feeling for Even wasn’t real. Isak was caught up in that night, in their infatuation with each other; how good the sex had been. But it was only meant for a night. It wasn’t meant to be – it _couldn’t_ be – anything more.

“I know you feel it too.” Isak said, grabbing Even’s hand; the boldness to his actions making Even shudder. Isak had never been this forceful. He’d always just taken whatever Even had given him. “You can’t tell me you don’t feel it.”

“I do, Isak. Of course I do.”

_But you weren’t supposed to abandon your life for me._

“Then why the fuck does anything else matter? Hm?” Isak asked, shaking his head. “Are you determined to make this whole thing be like the fucking movie? Are you so dead set on this never becoming anything more than a night? Just like they only had a summer?”

Even frowned, genuinely confused for a moment. What movie? What was he talking about?

“We _aren’t_ Elio and Oliver, Even!”

Oh. _That_ movie.

“This doesn’t have to be something that never leads anywhere! I know the book was all romantic and heartbreaking, but this is real life!” Isak’s eyes were welling up again, his hair a frizzy mess underneath his snapback. Even wanted to run his hands through it, hold Isak against his chest, kiss him right now and never stop. This boy made Even want crazy things.

“And what if you have me and you find out I’m nothing like you imagine?” Even asked, his voice breaking half way through.

Isak scoffed, turning away and letting Even’s hand drop.

“I’m not that smart. I don’t have much to say most of the time. I’m not some mysterious, charming, _wonderful_ person, Isak.” Even said. He combed his hair with his fingers, hating how long it had become, how he desperately needed a shave. “I know this is real life, Isak. And I know _myself._ I know who I am, and if you also knew…”

“What? I’d suddenly stop wanting you?” Isak interrupted.

“Yes. You wouldn’t want me at all.”

“Thanks for giving me the chance to decide for myself, asshole.”

Even couldn’t see the look in Isak’s eyes anymore. The look was already fading –the one of wonder Isak usually sported. Even had to bring reality back into this though. He had to break the bubble, however much he didn’t want to. He thought when Isak found out about Sonja he’d move on. He thought Isak would have hated him. But Isak kept on staring, kept on asking so many ‘what ifs’ every time he looked Even’s way.

Even wanted to spare Isak. He wanted him to go off and find his own Elio, his own Oliver. The person he was meant to be with – the one who Isak would find all the intimacy in the world with. It didn’t matter that Even still jerked off thinking only of Isak, that he hadn’t been able to have sex with Sonja properly since their night together; that every time he closed his eyes he saw Isak lying on his back, the dawn creeping into his bedroom – his hair soft and tousled against his pillow – gripping to Even like he knew even in sleep that Even would leave. That every time Even saw Isak in the hall, it took all his willpower not to go to him and ask him to never let Even go. That he was, in fact, always Isak’s.

“You won’t try?” Isak asked. “You won’t even _try?”_

Even had thought about it. He thought about it a lot. Ending things with Sonja. Trying to be with Isak even though he’d assumed for weeks now that perhaps Isak wouldn’t say yes. He wouldn’t have given Even another chance. But here he was. Isak was saying yes. He was saying he wanted Even.

“Isak, I…”

“Jesus Christ, Even!”

Sonja barged into the room, the force of the door nearly hitting Isak in the back. Isak jumped away just in time and stared at Sonja as she completely ignored him and walked over to Even.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Oh, hi.” Sonja said hesitantly, finally realizing Even wasn’t alone. She waved to Isak kindly before placing a kiss on Even’s cheek, looking at him expectantly. “Are you ditching again? This isn’t going to look good, baby.”

“See you later, Even.” Isak mumbled, Even looking up in time to see Isak grab his backpack and practically run out of the room. Sonja frowned after him before rolling her eyes.

“Well, he seemed rude.”

**

Even didn’t see Isak again for the rest of the day, but he saw one of Isak’s friends several times; shooting Even death glares from across the hall or cafeteria. Even didn’t know the boy’s name but he was usually with Isak and probably knew everything that had happened. The boy looked at Even the way Isak should have from the very beginning, ever since Even had said “I can’t” and had left Isak by his locker.

Even had just gotten a cigarette into his mouth and was on his way to the tram stop when he was suddenly pulled by his arm rather violently until his back collided with the Nissen wall; all the breath hurtling out of his lungs in a loud choking noise.

“Okay, douchebag, listen up.”

It was the boy. Isak’s friend. The one with the bushiest of eyebrows and dark brown eyes. He looked worried that he’d actually hurt Even, but he also seemed really determined to say what he needed to say. Even adjusted his shoulders and tried to seem as unintimidating as possible.

“You need to stop doing this, okay? You need to fucking _stop.”_

Even waited, not interrupting, not trying to get away.

“Isak is fucked up over you. Real bad. He won’t tell me why, and he won’t ever know that I suspect something, but I see the way he looks at you. I see the way he’s changed and fucking _hell,_ Isak has been through enough. So, if you’re leading him on or something…would you please stop?” The boy asked, looking exasperated.

Even frowned, feeling a little stunned. “Isak hasn’t told you what happened?”

“No. But dude, you have a girlfriend right?”

Even nodded, still really confused.

“Okay, that’s what I thought. Whatever kind of fucked up thing happened, I need you to stop making Isak feel like he has a chance with you when he clearly doesn’t. If you’re with someone, just be with _them._ Stop looking at Isak like you want to bang him all the time, and stop…” The boy looked lost for words, not really knowing the situation. Even wanted to laugh because he wished he had friends as observant as this boy. Isak hadn’t shared anything with him but he seemed to know the entire story – he was invested enough in Isak’s well-being to put everything together. And he’d put it together enough to realize that Even was indeed the douchebag in this scenario.

“Just… _stop_ hurting him. Please?”

Even knew he couldn’t say anything to make this better. He couldn’t justify anything because when it came down to it, he knew he was hurting Isak. He was hurting Isak because he’d never officially said he didn’t want anything. He’d never said “no.” He had said “I can’t” and “I don’t know how to let you go.” Of course Isak still believed something was possible. Of course that meant Isak was suffering.

“What’s your name?” Even asked.

“Jonas.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Jonas. You’re a good friend.”

“Damn straight. Are we clear though? I don’t usually shove people against walls. I don’t want to do it again.” Jonas said, backing up a few steps.

“We’re clear.” Even nodded, looking at his feet now; hating himself even more which he hadn’t thought was possible.

Even kept staring at his feet until he knew Jonas was long gone, until the sun had nearly set; until he was so cold he could barely feel his fingers.

**

Sonja was asleep in Even’s bed when he climbed out from the blankets and into his living room. He put a sweater on and tucked himself into the couch, squinting as he turned his phone on. It was an ungodly hour in the morning but he was wide awake. That was a bad sign. He’d slept pretty well the past few months. He’d been stable. No episodes.

Even found Isak’s number in his phone. He’d added it during their night together, when Isak had wandered off in search of sandwiches around the same time as it was now; leaving Even in his bed to find some good music. Even had reached for Isak’s phone on the off chance it wouldn’t have a password. To his ultimate surprise it didn’t and Even found Isak’s number in his contacts, typing it into his phone. It had been a reckless idea, something he thought was going to come back and bite him in the ass. The temptation was going to be too much, he had predicted. He could already see himself texting Isak late at night, or calling him.

Even had come close dozens of times, but he’d never actually done it. He hadn’t found the courage.

The phone rang and rang for what seemed like ages. Even fully expected a voicemail to come up. Isak should be asleep. He should be in a land of dreams, hopefully somewhere that took him away from thinking of Even – made his mind rest.

“Hello?” Isak whispered, sounding unsure but definitely not sounding like he’d been woken from sleep. Fuck. Isak couldn’t sleep either.

“Isak.”

“Even?” Isak asked, sounding so hopeful that Even started crying right away. He really fucking hated everything about himself. “Even, is that you?”

“ _Isak.”_ Even whispered, shaking his head and wiping the tears off his cheeks.

“Fucking hell, Even. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

_Stop being so nice to me._

_Stop fucking loving me._

“I…I remember everything.” Even said, knowing Isak would understand. He knew Isak would know the line from the film. “Okay? I remember it and I think about it all the time.”

“Me too.” Isak whispered.

“But this…” Even took a deep breath. “This was never meant to be anything more, Isak. I think we both know that.”

“Even, please, I…”

“I’m saying no.” Even said, digging his fingernails into his knee. “I’m letting you go.”

Even meant to hang up. He meant to take away Isak’s chance to say anything more, but he thought better of it right before he pressed ‘end call.’ He let himself hear the way Isak sobbed, the sound muffled as if Isak were trying to conceal it; let nobody in on the fact that his heart was breaking.

“You…you’re…” Isak hiccupped, then cleared his throat. “You’re killing me.”

Even brought the phone away from his ear and said “I’m sorry” before he hung up and tossed his phone onto the floor. He pushed his face into his hands and muffled his own sob this time, not wanting the girl he left in his bed to wake up and see her boyfriend crying over someone else.

Minutes, hours, _years_ later – Even couldn’t tell at this point - he drifted off to sleep, his body curled up uncomfortably on the small couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will still be a happy ending, I proooomise :) 
> 
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated!


	5. To See Without My Eyes

_“I suddenly realized that we were on borrowed time, that time is always borrowed, and that the lending agency exacts its premium precisely when we are least prepared to pay and need to borrow more.”_

**Valentine’s Day – 3 months later**

Isak knew Jonas was staring at him. Even though Jonas was standing on the other side of the cafeteria, he could feel his best friend’s eyes boring into him; his body taut and ready to spring over to Isak at any moment. Isak knew Jonas was right there, that he could go to him and just fucking _leave,_ but Isak couldn’t make himself do either of those things.

Instead, he was staring at Even.

The boy who’d somehow changed everything about his life. The boy who’d managed to make Isak stop hiding behind the fucked up charade he had been living in for what seemed like forever. The boy who had given Isak nothing but a night.

And that same boy, who Isak hadn’t talked to since that morning – the fucking horrible too-early-morning phone call Isak had received – was currently standing at the front of the cafeteria singing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” like he was trying to be Heath Ledger in that movie Isak didn’t particularly like.

And Even, who had made it so clear that he didn’t want Isak, had grabbed the microphone, stood up on a table and shouted “This one goes out to Isak Valtersen!” as Isak had been walking back to his table carrying his lunch. The lunch that was now all over the floor at his feet.

“I love you _baby,_ and if it’s quite all right, I need you _baby_ to warm the lonely nights!” Even was belting out the lyrics, eyes locked on Isak, pointing at him so everyone could know who Even was singing to.

Isak was shaking.

Why was Even doing this? What the fuck kind of joke was he playing? It was so fucking _cruel._ After everything Isak had done to try and move past their night together, move past the months of aching inside for someone he knew he would never have. It was only about three weeks ago that Isak had started feeling okay again. He’d started talking to his friends.

He’d come out to Jonas, for fuck’s sake. Isak had decided enough was enough. He couldn’t date Emma. He couldn’t kiss her. He’d tried. She’d been all over him around Christmas and Magnus wouldn’t stop encouraging him to date her, to just fuck her.

“What the hell, man? Are you gay?” Magnus had sneered, elbowing Mahdi and Jonas like everything about that question was fine. Like Magnus just knew Isak wasn’t so it was okay to make a joke.

“Fuck off.” Isak had snapped, grabbing his bag and walking away; not turning around when Magnus yelled after him.

“Wait, wait!” Jonas had called, running up to meet Isak.

“Leave me alone.”

“Isak, can we talk?” Jonas asked, trying to stop Isak from power-walking away; holding onto his arm a little forcefully. Isak shrugged him off.

“I’m going home.” He said, trying not to cry; trying to hold onto what remained of his dignity.

“Issy, please?” Jonas asked, his tone calm and collected. It was probably meant to sooth Isak but it just made him infuriated.

It was fucking _lovely_ that Jonas had everything together. He was good at school. He could hang out with friends without someone questioning his sexuality. Apparently girls thought he was great in bed. Just wonderful for him.

“What do you want me to say, huh?” Isak yelled, suddenly stopping and turning around to shove Jonas. His friend stumbled back, looking alarmed. “What the fuck do you want from me?”

“I want to help you, man. I don’t know what the fuck is up but you’ve been a mess this year, Isak.” Jonas said, frowning and letting out a long sigh. Jonas shuffled a little closer, looking nervous that Isak might push him again. But when Isak didn’t move, Jonas got close enough to wrap his arms around Isak and pulled him into a hug.

Isak tried to push away the guilt he was feeling for pushing Jonas. He shouldn’t have done that. He was so fucking self-absorbed. Jonas had only wanted to help. Jonas never made jokes about him.

Isak wrapped his arms around Jonas and let the tears fall down his face, letting out a small, broken sound.

“You can tell me anything, Isak.” Jonas said, pulling away so he could look at Isak properly. “You know that, right?”

Isak hadn’t known. He hadn’t known because he just assumed nobody would accept him; nobody would try and understand. Isak stared at Jonas and wondered how he’d managed to make such an amazing friend.

He had taken a deep breath, feeling the burn of it in his chest before he said, “I’m gay.”

Jonas hadn’t laughed. He hadn’t looked disgusted. He just nodded, looked at his shoes for a moment before he looked up at Isak with a giant grin on his face. “Thanks for telling me.”

Ever since that day, Isak had felt lighter. He’d felt himself coming back into his skin, into his _life._ He’d spent a few nights telling Jonas about Even. He’d spent another night telling Magnus and Mahdi that he didn’t like girls, only to be further surprised by them making him a Tinder account and told him that they would find him a perfect guy.

Isak had started to accept that Even wasn’t the person he was meant to be with. They’d had a fling, a “one-night stand” as Magnus had reminded him. Isak really couldn’t label it as a one-night stand because that phrase didn’t summarize what he’d felt. Nothing could, really. There wasn’t a term for it. But to everyone else, it _was_ a one-night stand. Simple.

“Plenty of fish in the sea, dude.” Mahdi had nodded, just last night, sitting around Isak’s small kitchen table drinking beers. Magnus and Jonas had held up their own bottles as a ‘cheers’, agreeing to Mahdi’s words.

“We’re only seventeen. Do you think people find a great love when they’re seventeen? No way.” Magnus had said, shaking his head. “Maybe it just felt so fantastic because it was your first time?”

“Maybe.” Isak had shrugged, downing his beer. He liked that his friends were invested in his life, that they were open and wanting to help. But whenever the subject of Even came up, Isak couldn’t bring himself to simplify it. He couldn’t talk about it for very long. He was always trying to change the subject because if he didn’t think about it, he didn’t have to remember the _end_ of it.

“ _I’m saying no.”_

“Any progress with Vilde?” Isak asked, interrupting Mahdi’s monologue about how first times usually sucked for everyone, girls and boys.

“Uh,” Magnus stumbled, his cheeks suddenly going red. “Well speaking of first times…”

Isak had then been forced to listen to how awkward Magnus’s first time was, and how Vilde had almost smacked him for trying to go too fast. Isak laughed along with Jonas and Mahdi, had drunk another beer before seeing his friends out. And then he’d gone to bed not thinking about how he might not ever be able to talk about his first time with anyone as candidly as Magnus just had. Nope. He wasn’t thinking about that at all.

“Issy.” Jonas’s voice lifted Isak out of his memories, seeing Jonas in front of him. Jonas blocked the view of Even, still singing on stage, and Isak felt dizzy. “Let’s go, okay?”

“I…”

“He’s a fucking asshole, Is.” Jonas said, the anger clear in his voice.

“Isak! Did you like the song?” Even was asking, shouting the words into the microphone. People were covering their ears, glaring at Even and Isak was sweating under his jacket. People were staring at _him_ as much as Even and it was making Isak squirm.

“Come on.” Jonas said, wrapping an arm around Isak’s shoulders and steering him the other way. Isak went along with it, too distraught to do much else. They were almost out of the cafeteria when Even started laughing hysterically. The sound, so unlike anything Isak could imagine coming out of Even’s mouth, made Isak turn around.

Sonja, Even’s girlfriend, was standing on the table with Even. She was trying to grab the microphone from him but he kept pulling away, laughing like it was some kind of game. Sonja looked as startled as Isak felt, quickly looking around at everyone embarrassedly.

“Isak!” Even shouted, jumping off the table now and throwing the microphone onto the floor. A loud screech rang through the cafeteria and everyone wailed, plugging their ears. Isak shuddered as Even galloped towards him, smiling like everything was entirely fine.

“I’ve been practicing all week! Did you like your surprise?” Even asked, stopping too close to Isak and Jonas. Isak took a step back, squeaking as Jonas pushed himself in front.

“I don’t know what the _fuck_ you’re playing at.” Jonas snarled. “But you can fuck right off.”

“What?” Even laughed, pushing the hair out of his eyes. “Aren’t you happy?”

Isak couldn’t say anything. His throat was so dry, so unbelievably sore from the giant lump that had formed there, that he doubted if he could ever speak again. He stared at Even as Sonja ran up behind him, glancing at Isak and Jonas worriedly.

“Why aren’t you happy?” Even asked, completely ignoring his girlfriend. His eyes just stayed on Isak, a frown creasing his forehead. Isak took in how unkempt Even was. His eyes were glazed over, the dark purple bags under them as prominent as a fresh bruise. He looked thin and pale.

He looked _sick._

“Even, come on. Look at me.” Sonja said, pulling on Even’s arm. He shrugged her off.

“What did I do wrong?” Even asked, looking so genuinely confused that Isak almost believed him. Isak almost took a step forward to comfort him, even though it was Isak who was the one the joke had been played on.

“Is he on something?” Jonas asked, shaking his head.

Sonja flashed them a look. She didn’t look angry. She didn’t seem upset by the question. She just reached for Even’s hand, tangling their fingers together tight enough that Even looked at her. She looked back up at him and tried to smile but it fell flat.

“He’s just sick right now.”

“I’m not, Sonja. Feel my head.” Even laughed, pulling their hands up to touch his skin. “I’m perfectly fine. No fever.”

“Even. I know you think you’re okay, but you’re not.” Sonja whispered, stroking a hand through Even’s messy hair.

Isak couldn’t watch anymore.

“Take me somewhere.” Isak whispered to Jonas. “ _Please.”_

Jonas didn’t hesitate. He kept his arm around Isak’s shoulders and walked the way they were walking before Even had stopped them. Isak knew Jonas was headed for the front of the school. Maybe he was planning for them to leave completely, skip their afternoon classes. Isak was fine with that. He just wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Isak, please don’t hate me! I tried to be better! I was thinking of the right song for two weeks now!” Even was shouting, his voice getting farther and farther away. Jonas held onto Isak tighter, not letting him look back.

“You’ll kill me if you go!”

When the cool, February air hit Isak’s face he sucked in a deep breath, letting himself lean against the wall of the school. Jonas was in front of him, waiting patiently. Isak was shaking all over, he felt faint and nauseated. He tried to focus on his breathing.

“Isak?”

_You’ll kill me if you stop._

Isak closed his eyes. He hated how much he was worried about Even right now; how every part of him was wondering _why._ Why had Even taken something, if he had? Why had he not been taking care of himself? Why did Sonja say he was sick?

Sick in the head?

Sick like Isak’s mom?

Isak thought of how happy Even had looked during their night together. How alive and wonderful. How Even had pleaded with Isak to never stop, to not _go_ because he didn’t want to see a film alone. Isak thought of Even asking Isak if he’d still want him if they gave whatever was between them a chance.

_You wouldn’t want me at all._

Was this why?

“Isak?” Jonas asked again, touching his shoulders.

Isak stood up, straightened his shoulders and said “Will you take me home?”

**

Eva (12:34): _Isak are you okay? WTF happened?_

Magnus (13:09): _Dude everyone is freaking out about what Even did. Are you all right?_

Mahdi (14:28): _Even was taken from the cafeteria and he’s been in the principal’s office all afternoon. Just thought you’d wanna know_

Vilde (14:41): _are you and Even a thing?!?_

Mamma (15:23): _Cleansed of your sins you shall be if you repent. Isak, repent!_

 

Isak regretted checking his phone. He read through the messages from his friends, deleting them all afterward. He buried his face in his pillow where it had been all day and tried to find sleep again. He’d eaten the sandwich Eskild had force fed him and drank the water Linn had dropped off. But other than that he hadn’t ventured out of his room and it was nearly 21:00.

How was he supposed to go back to school tomorrow? Everyone would be full of questions. And what if Even acted like nothing had happened? What if Sonja and Even had just been playing some ridiculous prank?

Isak sat up in his bed, knowing he wouldn’t sleep again until much later. He thought about avoiding his phone, but also wanted to scroll through some social media and try and forget about everything else. He wanted some kind of normalcy.

Ten minutes into scrolling, someone knocked on his door.

“Isak, it’s me.” Eskild said, his voice calm. He sounded unlike himself - his normally high-pitched, excitable voice tamed for Isak’s benefit.

“Yeah?” Isak called, covering himself with his duvet.

Eskild slowly opened the door, peaking his head around. “Do you…do you need anything?” He asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

Isak shook his head but gave a small, grateful smile. “I’m all right for now.”

Eskild nodded, biting his bottom lip for a long second. “Okay. Just text me if that changes.” He closed the door softly behind him just as Isak’s phone vibrated in his hand.

All the breath left Isak’s lungs when he opened the message, so much so that he found himself practically choking.

Even (21:21): _Isak. I’m standing near the theatre where months ago I first kissed you. I saw you that night and something changed in me. Nothing has been the same since and I can’t make myself pretend anymore. I’m sorry that I hurt you today. I’m sorry you’re upset at me. I’m sorry I said no. But I remember everything._

Isak was barely done reading the message before another came through.

Even (21:22): _I can’t be better for you. I can’t be better for anyone. Happy Valentine’s Day, Isak. I’ve only thought of you today. Today and every day since that night. I think I know now that I’m supposed to be alone. I’m not supposed to have you or anyone. I don’t deserve it. Goodbye._

Isak read the messages again. And again. A fourth time.

Goodbye?

Isak was up and out of bed before he’d consciously made the decision, pulling his jeans back on and a hoodie over his shoulders. He grabbed his wallet, his jacket and was putting his shoes on when Eskild came running into the hall.

“Isak? What are you doing?”

“I think he’s going to do something stupid. I have to go.” Isak muttered, shaking the tears out of his eyes. He had to focus. He had to get to the theatre.

 _He’s just sick right now._ That’s what Sonja had said. Fucking hell. Isak gulped down the feeling consuming him, deeper and so much more sinister than fear. He felt this everywhere, especially his chest. He felt like he couldn’t breathe but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was getting to Even.

“What?” Eskild spluttered. “ _Who?”_

“Just let me do something. I’ll be back.” Isak said, ignoring his friend and running out the front door.

Isak didn’t bother with catching the tram. He knew he could run faster. The theatre wasn’t far. The air was bitingly cold against his face and he hadn’t worn his warmest coat but again, it didn’t fucking _matter._

Isak could practically hear Even’s voice saying the word “goodbye” and the sound was horrifying. Even’s face today had been gruesome, so gaunt and void. Isak tried to think of the light he’d once seen in Even’s eyes, how he’d beamed at the smallest thing Isak had said. Isak thought of their hands touching in the theatre, the warmth of their bodies in the darkness.

Isak thought of Even lying next to him, both of them panting; pleasure still singing through their bodies. Even had leaned over, placed a small kiss on Isak’s mouth and had whispered, “I could fall in love with you so easily. My God.”

It was those words, those _fucking_ words that had made Isak ask for it. He’d _begged_ for Even to fuck him, to make him feel what Even had just felt. And later that night, Isak had been on his back, legs spread wide as Even climbed into every part of him; permanently staying there.

How could Isak ever forget _anything?_ How could he move beyond that night when he’d left himself there with Even, the two of them forever entwined?

_Don’t stop._

Isak had reached the theatre and his legs were killing him as he stood outside the main entrance; his muscles screaming. But it didn’t matter. He didn’t care. He only cared about one thing.

_Don’t stop breathing._

_Don’t stop, don’t stop._

_You’ll kill me._

“Isak?”

The sound came from behind Isak and he whirled around. Even was standing there, his eyes wide; his whole body frozen. Isak let out an involuntary sound, the fear and sadness he’d been feeling all the way here finally letting up; finally letting him breathe.

Isak walked slowly towards Even, his eyes never leaving the other boy’s. He wanted to rush over, to hold Even in his arms and _know_ that he was okay. He hadn’t done anything to himself. Even was _here._

But Isak made himself do it slowly. He made himself breathe in and breathe out at a steady pace, knowing he had to be calm. He had to be the one who brought Even off whatever ledge he was walking on. He had to let Even know that Isak was _here._ And maybe it didn’t make any fucking sense, but Isak wanted Even to know that he also wasn’t going anywhere. He never really had.

Even reached for Isak when he was close enough, his hands coming up to touch Isak’s elbows, pull Isak’s body closer using only the tips of his fingers. Isak let the cold skin of their cheeks touch, let himself nose along the sharp edge of Even’s jaw. Even’s body was shaking and he was holding his breath a little, but he also seemed to relax as their bodies got closer, as Isak placed a small kiss on Even’s cheek.

Isak brought his hands up to Even’s face, holding him steady, looking into his eyes in a way they hadn’t done since that night; in a way neither of them had let themselves experience again. Because the look said everything. It _was_ everything.

Isak let himself have this moment. He let himself and Even have this again, this undefinable thing that had changed them both. He let them have it and feel it and he whispered “you’re not alone.”


	6. Don't Go Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning for suicidal thoughts in this chapter. But the ending is when things start becoming happier. Much fluff and good stuff coming soon**

_“Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.”_

**Late December**

**1 and half months earlier**

Even was thrusting his hips, trying to chase the feeling, but all he could think about was how Sonja’s mom was downstairs; dinner would be ready soon, and today Isak had smiled at this girl in the hallway. The girl had brown hair, an eager smile, and Isak had leaned into her touch. He had moved towards her like he wanted to know more about what she was laughing about.

“Even, too fast.” Sonja gasped from underneath Even, wrapping a hand around Even’s bicep. He immediately slowed, bringing his gaze back down to the girl he thought he’d love forever. She looked scared and that’s never how she should look at him.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered, kissing her sweet mouth, tasting the grape popsicle she had eaten earlier. She sighed, moving her hips up again, bringing him further inside of her.

“Don’t go away again. I’m right here.” She pleaded, her hands on his back now, allowing him to bury his face in her neck. He closed his eyes and tried – helplessly – to not think of Isak.

**

Even knew he was slipping. He knew it; could see an episode coming from miles away. But he didn’t try and stop it this time. On some level, he felt like he deserved it. He deserved the crash that would inevitably come once the high was over.

Even stayed up much later than he was accustomed to. He took a lot of photographs around his house, on his walk to school, developing them in order to make a collage he was planning. But the collage never happened. There wasn’t really a final product to be made. This wasn’t going to amount to anything and part of him knew that. Part of him recognized that he was being ridiculous; that he didn’t really need three hundred pictures of one particular tree. But he printed them all out anyway, spent a lot of money on it.

Sonja noticed. Of course she did. It was mid-January when she told him to go and see his doctor, that he couldn’t keep only getting an hour of sleep a night. He couldn’t keep trying to have sex with her five times a day.

“Even, I’ve never seen you this bad before.” Sonja whispered one night, her face stricken. She ran a hand through his hair, something that used to calm him. But now it made him annoyed.

“I’m fine, Sonja. I’m just busy.”

“You’re not busy. You’re starting a million things and not finishing them. You’re not sleeping! We need to go to your doctor. _Please.”_

“No.”

Two weeks later, Even sat in his doctor’s office with Sonja on his left and his parents on his right. The crash hadn’t come yet. He still felt on top of the world. He still kept trying to do anything to take his mind off of Isak.

Isak looked better recently. He seemed to smile more. He looked healthier, and it made Even happy to see him that way. It made Even think he’d made the right choice in ending things because Isak wasn’t sitting next to him in this office. Isak didn’t have to see Even crash. Isak didn’t have to know about this part of Even; the part that was broken.

“I want to go home. Come on.” Even announced, standing up and grabbing Sonja’s hand.

“Even, _no.”_ She snapped, tearing her hand away. “We’re here because you need help.”

“I don’t need anything, Sonja!” Even shouted, picking up a magazine that was close to him and throwing it at the wall. “I don’t need drugs or doctors or any of this _shit._ This is just how I am!”

“Even, please calm down.” His mother begged, walking towards him. He shrugged off her hands, her kind eyes. He didn’t want to see anyone anymore. He didn’t need their fucking pity.

“You just need to fucking accept that this happens. My brain isn’t meant to function properly and it never will. Maybe you can’t handle it, but I can. I’m fucking _fine.”_ Even said, walking out of the office and running from his parents. He ran from them because he didn’t deserve them. He didn’t deserve _anyone._

He deserved to be alone.

**

**Late January**

“Even, you’re manic right now. Don’t make big decisions when you’re not…” Sonja cut herself off, shaking her head.

“When I’m not _what,_ Sonja?” Even sneered.

“When you’re not in your right mind!”

Even had gone back to the doctor’s office. They’d given him a different dose of meds. They’d been trying to help him through this episode, try and dim the mania; numb him again back to normalcy. It had worked slightly, but not enough. Not enough to satisfy everyone around him, especially Sonja.

So when Even announced they should break up, of course Sonja didn’t think he meant it. Of course she thought he couldn’t possibly know his own mind. He couldn’t tell her that he’d wanted to end things even when he hadn’t been manic, even when he was considered “mentally sound enough” to know himself. He told her, but she didn’t hear it. She always knew better.

“I’ve known for months that we should end things, Sonja. We’re not happy.” Even whispered, his back against the wall as he sat on his bed and picked at a loose thread in his blanket.

“I’m happy.” Sonja said, the words lacking conviction.

“No, you’re not.”

“Is this about that guy?” Sonja suddenly asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Even looked up at her, slightly alarmed.

“What guy?”

She rolled her eyes as if it was obvious. “The second year guy you’re always looking at! The one you were talking to that day in the classroom. I’m not stupid, Even. Do you like him or something?”

_Or something._

“No.” He said, also without conviction. “This is about you deserving better.”

“Don’t give me that self-pitying shit, Even. God, you’re pathetic sometimes.” Sonja yelled, her words harsher than she’d ever talked to him before.

“It’s the truth though, Sonja. You _do_ deserve someone better. Someone who can love you.” Even said, knowing he was being blunt. Her eyes widened, tears appearing a second later but he couldn’t feel bad about it. She needed to know.

“You…you don’t… _love_ me?”

He didn’t hesitate. “Not anymore.”

**

**February**

Things got bad without Sonja. Things probably would have gotten this bad _with_ her anyway, but Even’s manic episode resurfaced shortly after Sonja had walked out of Even’s room, sobbing. Shortly after Even had thrown everything in his life away, including school. Including pictures and making films.

Reality was slipping. Even didn’t recognize himself anymore. He was losing long periods of time. He’d blink and suddenly three hours had passed, his arms aching from where he’d been leaning on them; his feet numb from standing in one spot without moving.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” Even heard his mother cry, closing the front door. Even heard two sets of footsteps approaching his room, the other voice slightly familiar.

“I don’t know what I can do for him.”

“Just talk to him? I have to try something else.”

Even didn’t have time to prepare himself before his bedroom door was opening and in walked Mikael, his friend who he hadn’t seen for nearly seven months. His hair was longer, his frame slightly skinnier, and he looked at Even with wide eyes as Even’s mother closed the door behind her.

“Hey.” Mikael mumbled, walking a little closer.

Even looked down at himself, knowing he needed to shower, knowing he had awful stubble all over his chin. He felt unbelievably self-conscious as Mikael sat down on Even’s bed, looking Even up and down as he sat at his desk chair.

“Why are you here?” Even asked, his throat dry.

“Your mom called me.” Mikael said. “She said you’re not doing very well.”

“And why would you care?” Even snapped, rolling his eyes and looking away. He stared out his bedroom window at the overcast sky.

“I’ve always cared, Ev.”

They sat in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time. Even almost forgot Mikael was there until he felt Mikael put his hand on his arm. Even barely managed not to flinch.

“What do you need, Even?”

Even let out a long sigh, staring down at his pale hands. He hadn’t expected his episode to go on this long. He hadn’t expected all the crashes that had come. He had always stayed high during his mania but now it felt like a rollercoaster, a constant dipping down into the blackness of his anger; the nothingness abyss that he was plunged into before coming back out again. He had lots of energy and then none. He had a second of clarity before he was trying to do five things at once without sleep. His brain felt so fucking fried but then he was entirely convinced he was fine.

He needed everything to fucking _stop._

“I don’t know, Mik.” He said honestly. “I have no fucking clue.”

Even felt it in a rush, like his whole body was imploding; his stomach and heart caving in on themselves. He burst out into sobs that shook his whole body, spit dribbling down his chin. Mikael wrapped his arms around Even, holding him against his chest; helpless to do anything else.

“I got you. I’m here. It’s all right.” Mikael kept saying, again and again. Even tried to hang onto his friend’s words, tried not to think about how royally he had fucked up their friendship when he’d tried to kiss Mikael. He tried not to think of how nobody should care about him; how he’d pushed away the one person he had wanted to care about him.

Even felt like he was Alice falling down the rabbit hole, shouting back up for someone to come and rescue him. But then he was at the bottom, dancing with a mad-hatter; carefree.

**

**February 14 th **

Even hated that the mania had finally, _finally,_ stopped after he’d managed to hurt Isak. He was disgusted that he’d gotten up on a table and sung his heart out to the person he never, never wanted to hurt. Isak’s face had shattered right in front of his eyes. 

Sonja was sitting beside him in the principal’s office, holding his hand. He didn’t deserve her love right now. He didn’t deserve anything. He deserved to be alone; a thought his brain couldn’t detach from.

“I…” Even kept trying to talk, but he couldn’t form words. His brain felt like mush. He was too tired to move. Breathing was taking all the effort he had left.

“It’s okay.” Sonja whispered, tightening her hold on him. “We’re just waiting.”

_I fucked up. I fucked up so badly._

Even tried to tell Sonja what he was thinking. He tried to articulate how sorry he was, how he had really loved her once. That he was so fucking sorry he cheated on her; that she’d had to deal with him for this long. He tried to ask how badly he’d hurt Isak and embarrassed himself.

But again, he couldn’t speak.

It was hours later that Even was home in his room. His mom had come to pick him up, told him something about being suspended. Told him to take some meds and go to sleep; tried to baby him but then decided to leave him alone.

It was dark outside and Even had no clue what time it was. He had no clue what to do or think or feel. But it kept coming back to one thing.

_I need it to stop._

_I need it to stop and I need to apologize to Isak._

**

By some miracle, Isak was standing in front of Even. He was holding him, pressing light kisses to Even’s neck. Even could feel the tears on Isak’s own face and he hated that he had put them there. He hated knowing Isak was suffering because of him. 

“What were you going to do?” Isak asked, the light snowfall covering his dirty blonde hair. Even reached up, distracted by it, and shook it off. 

“Nothing.” Even lied.

He hadn’t had a plan, but he knew he wanted to do something. He knew he wanted to make it all stop, cease to exist; put everyone out of the misery that was caused by him being alive. He thought about doing that a lot before, back when he’d been unsteady; before medication. Even had convinced himself that being on meds and being in what he thought of as remission meant he wouldn’t be low again. That’s how it had seemed. It seemed like he’d always feel level, feel like himself.

How wrong he’d been. And the thought that this would be his life, this up and down rollercoaster, was excruciating. He didn’t really have that much control, even with medication, and it was all too terrifying, too magnanimous a thought to completely accept.

How was he supposed to live his entire life like this?

“I was so scared, Even.” Isak said. “I thought you were going to…”

“I won’t.” Even interrupted, not wanting Isak to think about it; not wanting to say what they both knew was true.

“Will you…will you come home with me? Please?” Isak asked, pulling back to look at Even the way he had moments ago, the way Even had managed to familiarize himself with even though it had been entirely too long since he’d seen it.

It meant vulnerability. Intimacy. Safety.

_Home._

“Okay.”

**

Even couldn’t make himself get out of Isak’s bed. He drank water every now and then, but then he would fall right back to sleep. Sometimes Isak was in bed with him, also sleeping, and sometimes Even would wake up to the blinds drawn; completely alone.

Even lost time again.

But one day, he opened his eyes and realized it didn’t take all the effort in the world to sit up. He didn’t feel like blinking his eyes was some kind of challenge. And when Isak walked in hesitantly, setting a tray of food down in front of Even, he found that he actually had an appetite.

“I made ham and cheese sandwiches. It’s the only thing I know you like.” Isak mumbled, looking at his shoes rather than Even’s face.

Even smiled around a mouthful of food, reaching out to touch Isak’s rumpled hair.

“You look nice.” Even said, and he meant it. Isak looked sleep-soft and boyish, dressed in sweat pants and a white t-shirt. He was biting his bottom lip, probably not knowing what to do with the compliment.

“Do you want to shower?”

“Why, do I smell?” Even scoffed, feigning offense. But then he lifted up an armpit and realized that yeah, he definitely needed a shower. “Fuck. Sorry. I’ll go do that.”

“It’s okay. I guess it was hard to do it when you…” Isak trailed off, blushing.

“Yeah.” Even nodded. “Basic stuff becomes difficult.”

Isak sat and watched Even eat, seeming to like that he could see Even finally take steps to be a human again. Isak passed him a giant glass of milk to wash it down with and smiled when Even drank it all in one go.

“What day is it?”

“February 19th.”

Even grimaced. “Shit. I…”

“I texted your mom. And Sonja. Everyone knows you’re here.” Isak said, interrupting Even’s apology. “And I… I’ve liked having you here, Even.”

Even held Isak’s gaze, wondering if he was actually serious. How could Isak possibly have enjoyed Even being here, basically comatose in his bed; reeking of unwashed armpits?

“Did anyone tell you what’s wrong with me?” Even whispered, looking away.

“Sonja sort of explained.” Isak shrugged, and Even could tell right away that Sonja had definitely explained _everything._

Even stayed silent, waiting for Isak’s reply. He waited for the inevitable _you’re fucked in the head,_ or _isn’t bipolar just a made up thing._ But it never came. Isak squared his shoulders as he stood up, grabbing a towel from his closet and handing it to Even.

“The shower is free if you want it. I’ll be in the kitchen. Eskild really wants to meet you.” Isak smiled. “But be prepared. He’s enthusiastic.”

Isak was mostly out of the room when Even finally managed to find words again.

“Isak, wait.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked, peeking back around the door which was insanely adorable.

“I…you…Sonja told you everything?” Even asked dumbly.

Isak came back into his room properly and bit his bottom lip, thinking of what to say. “Yeah. She said you’re bipolar. That you have episodes which make you do things you normally wouldn’t do. She said that you…crash after being hyper for a while so I shouldn’t worry if you slept a lot.”

Isak looked at Even and an expression appeared on his features that Even hadn’t seen in a long time.

_Hope._

“She also said you broke up with her.”

Even nodded. “Yeah. That’s true.”

“Was that…” Isak cleared his throat, blushing painfully now. “Was that only something you did because…”

“No.” Even said sternly, knowing Isak was going to ask if he’d done it simply because he was manic. “No. I broke up with her because I don’t love her anymore. I haven’t for a long time.”

“Oh.”

“I’m really sorry, Isak. You don’t know how sorry I am.” Even whispered, standing up slowly. His joints ached from sleeping so much and he winced.

“I was mad at first. But then I was just worried.” Isak said, coming over to steady Even. He put his hands on Even’s biceps and began massaging them lightly. “I was worried I would never see you again.”

Isak was crying the next moment and Even reached out, wiping the falling tear off Isak’s cheek. The urge to no longer exist didn’t have Even by the throat anymore. The desire often faded after he was levelling out, but he knew how strong it had been. He knew that he’d been close to losing his battle; he had nearly put up the white flag and given up.

Isak knew it too.

But as Even stood there, almost holding Isak, he was so fucking happy to still be breathing. He was unbelievably grateful that he was with Isak. That Isak had saved him.

“I’m right here.” Even said, pulling Isak’s hand to his own chest; wanting Isak to feel the steady beat of his heart.

_You’re the reason it’s still going._

_You’re the reason it won’t stop._

“Good.” Isak nodded, moving a little closer so he could rest his forehead on Even’s chest; wrapping his arms around Even’s skinny body the next second. Isak was the one to hold Even, made him feel safe in the warmth of Isak’s strong arms.

“Isak?”

“Hm?”

“I don’t want this to stop. I don’t want us to go back to not speaking.” Even admitted, letting himself comb his fingers through Isak’s hair.

“Me either.” Isak whispered.

“What do we do now?”

Isak pulled away slowly, letting go of Even. He let out a long sigh before he brought their attention back to the towel he’d given Even a moment ago. “First, you shower.”

Even couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Isak laughed too, smiling brighter than Even had ever seen before.

“And then…” Isak began, pursing his lips. “Then we take it one day at a time.”

Even nodded, following Isak towards the bathroom. “Sounds like a totally chill plan.”

Isak grinned. “Totally chill.” He shoved Even playfully into the bathroom and threw one last smile his way before he closed the door, leaving Even alone.


	7. Infinity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient! My life has been crazy busy and I've been trying to find time to write this final chapter, but I honestly didn't have the opportunity until recently. Love you all. Hope you enjoy. <3

_“If he knew, if he only knew that I was giving him every opportunity to put two and two together and come up with a bigger number than infinity.”_

 

**Four Weeks Later**

Isak’s back hit the wall harder than he was expecting, the air coming out of his lungs in a violent gasp. Even looked at him with wide eyes, panting, and before Isak could really take in a deep breath, Even’s lips were back on his. Even’s large, cold hands came up to cradle Isak’s face and he tilted Isak’s head back until it gently collided with the door.

Isak moaned as their tongues met, reaching his hands up to touch Even’s hips. He pulled the taller boy into his body, wanting to feel; relishing the thought that he could tell how much Even wanted him right now.

“I…I’m so… _fuck,_ Isak.” Even said, breaking away. Isak chased his mouth, not wanting words. Not wanting a conversation. He just wanted Even.

“Do you still want this?” Even asked, moving away from Isak’s attempted kiss; latching his mouth onto Isak’s neck instead.

Isak pulled Even into him hard, nowhere for either of them to go; wanting Even to know that he really didn’t want to be anywhere else anyway. He tried to convey with just his body, tried to say it without saying it; _what the fuck kind of question is that?_

“Isak, please. Answer me.” Even pleaded, sounding pained and desperate. “I’ll stop if you tell me to. I know we had some beer and I…”

” _Even,”_ Isak interrupted, the word practically a growl. He pulled Even’s face away from where it had been in his neck and made Even look at him; made sure their eyes met as he said his next words. “I’m so fucking hard for you right now, and fucking _Christ...”_

Isak could practically feeling the blood rushing in his veins, his whole body vibrating with it, as he yanked Even’s head back by his hair and moved even closer.

“You’ll kill me if you stop.”

**

**Three Weeks Earlier**

“So, how goes the whole we’re-pretending-we-aren’t-in-love-for-the-sake-of-being-friends thing with Even?” Magnus asked, chomping down on a huge piece of cake. He raised his eyebrows at Isak expectantly.

“Fine.” Isak replied curtly.

“Uh-huh.” Magnus rolled his eyes doubtfully, shaking his head.

“Leave him be, Mags.” Jonas interrupted, elbowing Isak playfully and giving him a wink.

“For real though! Do you not see the way Even looks at you? The way he is right now? This _very fucking second?”_ Magnus basically shrieked, pointing towards Even who was unsubtly staring at Isak from across the cafeteria; the heat of his gaze basically tangible.

Isak caught his eye for a second before Even ducked his head down, a blush appearing on his cheeks. Isak bit down on his bottom lip to hide his grin; the satisfaction of it bleeding into his chest. Of course he knew how Even looked at him. He also knew that Even was desperate for them to still speak. He made a point of texting Isak every two hours, and even calling Isak at night sometimes. Ever since Even had gone home after spending nearly a week at Isak’s, assuring Isak he was all right to, their contact hadn’t ceased.

But Isak was keeping Even at arm’s length. They didn’t hang out alone. They didn’t meet at KB the way Even had initially offered; on his first day back at Nissen.  He’d come up behind Isak, surprising him, and then stunning Isak into silence as he’d smiled. Isak couldn’t look away, so amazingly happy that Even had colour in his face again; that he was wearing bright colours and his hair was styled. He was fucking gorgeous and healthy and still here; right where he belonged.

Isak didn’t understand why, but as Even mentioned going to KB, saying that he wanted to buy Isak hot chocolate because of the snow they’d gotten overnight, Isak just outright refused.

“Not right now, okay?” Isak had said, feeling guilty as Even’s face had fallen.

“You said we were taking this chill. Coffee is chill, right?”  

“Yeah, but…”

Isak refused to do anything that could be interpreted as a date. He’d meant it when he said things needed to be chill. To Isak, that meant not jumping into bed together. And yeah, coffee wasn’t sex, but it was intimate. Being together in a warm café, hands around a hot cup, being close to each other. Isak knew it would inevitably lead to something else.

Isak gave up trying to explain it a second later, knowing Even might not understand.

“Isak, I’m…” Even interrupted, looking equally as lost for words. He leaned against the locker beside Isak, closing his beautiful eyes quickly, trying to steady himself. “I just don’t want to misunderstand you. I know I crashed at your place for a while, and you said we were taking things chill. But now it seems…” Even gestured between them, his eyes suddenly glistening. “Do you not want this anymore?”

Even’s voice broke on the last word and Isak couldn’t handle that.

“That’s not it.” Isak panicked, reaching for Even’s hands before he could stop himself.

He didn’t want Even out of his life. He wanted him close, but he also knew that things couldn’t go the way they had before. They couldn’t get lost in each other, forgetting everything else. Even was fresh out of a relationship. He’d just had an episode. Isak had just learned about his illness.

They had never really had a chance to be _friends._ To laugh together and know each other. Isak didn’t want to miss that stage again. He wanted a fresh start. And if Isak was entirely honest, he didn’t trust himself to go really slow the way they both needed if they were to be somewhere alone together.

“Then…what am I to you?” Even had asked, barely a whisper.

Isak took in and let out a long breath before answering.

 “We’re friends.”

“Friends.” Even repeated, seeming to say the word as a question more than a statement or in agreement.

“Yup. Friends. Taking it chill. Talking and texting and being there for each other.” Isak felt his face go hot and Even smiled kindly at him, breaking out into a laugh a moment later.

“Okay.”

Isak looked down, realizing they were still holding hands. He let go slowly, reaching out to close his locker instead. “I think I just need a little more time. I like texting and you can always call me. I think I just…need to have you this way for a while. Is that okay?”

 “Of course, Isak.” Even said, not hesitating. “Of course. But will you let me know when you’re ready to…I don’t know. Hang out?”

“Yeah.” Isak said, nodding. “I will.”

That had been a week ago. Even hadn’t asked for another coffee meet up. He texted Isak a lot, they’d called each other. But Even didn’t approach him at school much anymore. And usually they texted about dumb stuff, nothing deep or taking them down a path to know each other. Isak didn’t really like that part, and he was wondering if perhaps he was ready to meet up. Maybe they couldn’t be actual friends, know each other entirely, if they didn’t see each other in person.

“Can it really hurt? I mean, if you’re out for coffee you won’t launch yourself across the table at him, will you?” Jonas asked, walking with Isak towards the kebab shop after school. Isak chuckled, feeling himself blush because when Jonas put it like that, Isak’s reasoning sounded stupid.

“No.” Isak sighed. “I know I’m being dumb.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well, I _feel_ dumb.”

“Isak, you went through a lot. So did Even. I don’t blame you for wanting things to be slow. Like, that’s actually mature and shit.” Jonas smiled, ordering Isak his favourite and then offering to pay.

Isak loved Jonas. A fuck ton.

“I just…I want to know him properly. I never did before. I think I was infatuated with him; with the idea of him. But that’s not something I want anymore. Being in that head space about someone isn’t…healthy.” Isak mused as they ate, realizing he was actually fucking starving.

“Where did my best friend go? What have you done to him?” Jonas teased, smiling. He looked proud of Isak and if Isak was being honest, he was proud of himself too.

**

It was probably too late to call someone on a school night, but Isak didn’t really care. He had a feeling Even would still be awake at nearly midnight, so he picked up his phone and dialed Even’s number.

“Isak? Are you okay?” Even asked, sounding panicked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Isak laughed, sitting down on his bed.

“It’s late.”

“I know. Sorry. Were you sleeping?”

“No. Not really. Just kind of dozing.”

“Oh.”

Isak bit down on his bottom lip, feeling himself blush. Even wasn’t saying anything either, probably waiting for Isak to explain why he’d called so late. Isak was just about to offer that they hang out again, somewhere alone, but Even spoke first.

“I miss you.” He said, whispering the words.

“I saw you today.” Isak said, frowning a little in confusion.

“Yeah, from across the room. And I messaged you a stupid meme I found. That’s not really…” Even sighed loudly. “That’s not really spending time together. Or talking.”

“I know.” Isak cut in. “That’s actually why I called.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I want us to get together. Like you said a while ago. For coffee or something.” Isak said, the words coming out in a rush.

“Are you sure?” Even asked, sounding skeptical and serious. Isak didn’t like it.

“I told you I would tell you when I was ready. I’m ready now.”

There was another long pause and for a second Isak thought they might have gotten disconnected, but then Even let out a breathy laugh before saying, “Thank God.”

Isak laughed too, his muscles relaxing, and he scooted further down in his bed. “Sorry I took so long.”

“Don’t apologize to me, baby.” Even said, so casual that Isak flinched.

_Baby._

“We’re taking this at whatever pace you need.”

“Okay.” Isak said, his voice shaking now. He was shocked at how much he wanted Even to always call him baby, to always speak as if they knew each other so well. Isak wanted to know everything about Even, not just stare longingly at him and remember one night they spent together.

“I want us to be friends, Even.” Isak began to say. “We…kind of skipped that part. And I don’t think we can be together if we don’t really know each other. I thought a lot about it recently, and I really love that film we saw together. And the book. I read it… I don’t even know how many times after what happened. But…I also realized something.”

“What’s that?” Even asked, sounding like he was hanging on to Isak’s every word; not half listening to Isak’s explanation. Isak smiled, knowing that was how Even always listened; with his whole being.

“Elio and Oliver got to be friends first. They got to talk and spend time together, enough that they fell for each other. You and I never got that. We had the passion, but not the build-up, and it felt kind of…empty. Like, how can you _really…_ love someone if you don’t know them? If you can’t see them properly?”

Isak swallowed, his mouth dry. His heart was pounding inside his chest because he’d never said his thoughts out loud this much before, especially not to the one person they were about.

“I get it. I do. But it seemed to me…” Even cleared his throat. “It seemed like there was always something between us, beyond physical attraction. I saw you at school only a few times but when we first kissed…It was like we had done it a thousand times before.”

Isak nodded, recognizing that he’d felt that same way too. “It felt like a relief.”

“ _Yeah_. Exactly. But I know I don’t know your likes and interests as much as I could. I don’t know your favourite food or your favourite colour, or really anything about your family. It’s those small things I want to know. And just…be with you. I kind of want that all the bloody time.” Even chuckled.

“Like hanging out?” Isak asked.

“Yeah. Doing things together. Walking around the city. Watching a film. Holding your hand.”

“You sap.”

“What? Did you think the only thing I wanted was to get into your pants?”

Isak hesitated, not meaning to. He was about to joke that of course not, he didn’t think that. But he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t deny it. He suddenly realized that he _had_ been worried about that; that this thing between them could only ever be physical. That perhaps Even only wanted him because of the amazing sex they’d had.

“Isak?”

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry. Is that…were you thinking that’s the only thing I was interested in?” Even asked, sounding hurt.

“Maybe I was worried about it. And you…just broke up with Sonja. You cheated on her and then…ended things with me. It was always more to me but I guess I wondered if you…”

“It was always more than that for me, Isak. I promise you.” Even interrupted, sounding desperate. “I felt like a complete jackass for cheating on Sonja, but…our relationship hadn’t been what I wanted for a long time before that. Before I even met you.”

“Okay.” Isak said after a moment, licking his lips. “I believe you.”

“I want to show you that, too. I want you to understand that I’m in this with you. I want all of you, not just your body.” Even said, his voice suddenly low and serious.

“Then how does tomorrow after school sound? We could have that coffee date?”

“I’d love that.”

**

Even caught Isak’s wrist as he was headed down the hallway towards his locker, the last bell having rang only a moment before. Isak had been buzzing in his seat in his last class, too excited to concentrate, and now he turned and saw Even who looked like he was in a similar state. His eyes were squinted because of the giant smile on his face and Isak immediately mirrored it.

“Hey.” Even offered, nudging their shoulders together.

“Hey.”

“How was your day?”

Isak was about to reply with a simple “okay” but then Even reached down and interlocked their fingers, casually making them hold hands as they strolled towards Isak’s locker. Isak’s breathing sped up and his words died in his throat.

“Oh. Is this okay?” Even asked, moving to let go.

Isak clung on with everything he had.

“Yeah. It’s fine, Even.” Isak smiled, surprised by how fine it actually was.

**

It was dark by the time they left KB. It was heading towards 22:00 and Isak had about seven texts from Eskild wondering if he’d been murdered or kidnapped. Isak couldn’t take even one second to reply though, too utterly consumed by his date.

They had talked about _everything._

Favourite colours. Isak’s Mom. Even’s friend Mikael, who was actually keeping in touch with Even now that Even’s mom had seemed to bring them back together. Isak found out about Even’s dream to be a director someday. Isak admitted that he’d been thinking about going to school to be some kind of medical assistant. He had been looking up Universities, perhaps somewhere outside of Norway. He wanted to travel. He wanted to go everywhere. So did Even.

They had started with just two plain coffees. An hour later they bought some muffins because they were admittedly hungry. An hour later they ordered sandwiches because it was dinner time. Then dessert. Then some tea. Then some chocolate cake that they shared.

“Are you guys planning to stay overnight too?” The barista asked, the fourth time Isak was presenting his card to pay for the food. He felt himself blushing.

“I…we’re…Um.”

“It’s fine.” The girl smiled, her frizzy blonde hair bouncing as she moved. “You look like you’re having a good time.”

“I am.”

Isak walked out the door to the café first, feeling Even’s hand on his lower back as he stepped through and into the cold night. He brought his coat up further on his shoulders, wishing that he’d worn a scarf today. Before he could open his mouth to complain about Norway being an actual freezer, Even wrapped an arm around Isak’s shoulders and smiled even though his teeth were chattering.

“When we travel together, want to try out a nice warm beach first?” Even teased, leaving his arm across Isak’s shoulders as they walked towards the tram stop. Isak chuckled.

“Who said I want to travel with _you?”_

Even scoffed dramatically. “I’ll have you know, I’m an excellent person to travel with. I can read actual maps, not just look stuff up on my phone. So hypothetically, we’ll never get lost. And I have a great sense of direction if there aren’t any maps at all. And I’m funny. You’ll never get bored. And I…”

Even’s speech was cut short by Isak’s lips. Isak put his cold hands on either side of Even’s face and pulled their mouths together for a short, sweet kiss that Even instantly returned. Isak pulled back, cheeks red not only from the cold, and smiled sheepishly.

“A warm beach sounds nice.” Isak said, turning around and resuming walking towards the tram. Even followed quickly behind him, apparently stunned into silence. “But then, let’s go all over Europe. And Iceland. And then Asia. I’ve always wanted to go to Japan.”

“Okay. Whatever you want.” Even said, his voice quieter now. He grabbed Isak’s hand again and squeezed a little, a reassuring gesture.

Isak knew a few people were staring at them as they walked. Two boys holding hands was still weird to some people, and a few months ago Isak would have been humiliated. He would have felt ashamed of himself; of knowing that he was gay and only liked other boys. But as he held onto Even’s hand, feeling his smooth palm, he couldn’t feel anything except happiness. He felt _proud._

“You…kissed me.” Even said, startling Isak out of his thoughts.

“I did.”

“It was nice.”

Isak let out a little laugh at how unsure Even sounded. “Okay?”

“Sorry.” Even snorted, looking like he was embarrassed at his own statement. “I just didn’t know if that would ever happen again. Feels like I’m dreaming.”

Isak reached over the pinched the skin of Even’s forearm, making him flinch. “Well, you’re not dreaming.”

“You cheeky little shit.” Even laughed, hitting Isak lightly on the side.

They sat on the tram together, knees close together and fingers still interlocked. Isak leaned his head on Even’s shoulder for the last five minutes of the ride, inevitably standing up to get off the tram first. Even still had two more stops.

“I had fun tonight. See you tomorrow.” Isak whispered, placing a light kiss on Even’s cheek before he stood up. Even just smiled at him as he got off and waved through the window before the tram was gone again.

The second Isak got through the door Eskild came barrelling towards him and pulled him into a bear hug that squished Isak into a pancake.

“You’re not dead. Thank fuck! Isak, what the hell?” Eskild shrieked.

“I had…a date.” Isak gasped, pushing his friend off.

“ _What?”_

“A date! Like a proper date where we had food and talked and kissed.”

“Oh my God! Tell me everything!”

“No! I’m going to bed, you lunatic.”

“Isak!” Eskild called, just as Isak shut his bedroom door.

“Goodnight, Eskild!” Isak smiled, knowing he would tell him everything tomorrow.

But now, he needed sleep. He got undressed, plopped himself into bed and got his phone out to make sure he had an alarm set. He saw two new messages.

Jonas (22:03): _How was the date?_

Even (23:07): _I’m falling for you so hard. Goodnight, Isak. Xo_

Of course, Isak didn’t hesitate as to who he was going to reply to first.

Isak (23:12): _I fell for you a long time ago, but now I know for sure that it’s real. Goodnight xo_

**

**Three Weeks Later**

Isak was dying. _Dying._ He was actually going to collapse during one of his classes and melt into the floor like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz because there was no way to kill this ache inside of him. This torturous, agonizing pull in every part of his body that just longed to be in bed with Even. To give into their obvious attraction, their obvious mutual want of each other. No way to kill it at _all._

Well.

There was a way, but he had told himself he couldn’t do it. Not yet.

He couldn’t jump into bed with Even this quickly. That had been his motto ever since he told Even he wanted to take things slow. Chill. That had become their word. Everything was chill. Everything was slow. Even though they’d spent pretty much every day and moment together for three solid weeks after their date at KB. Isak was either at Even’s house or Even was at his apartment, eating dinner with Eskild and Linn or going out somewhere. And they always held hands. They always kissed each other goodbye and hello. They even openly made out at school one day when Isak was feeling particularly desperate and didn’t give a flying fuck anymore that Emma still threw him sad glances. He just wanted _Even._

Isak didn’t really know why he _still_ didn’t let them have this. It was so clear to him that he loved Even and Even loved him back. They were boyfriends now. They were a couple.

“Are you sure?” Isak had asked a week ago, his head in Even’s lap as they watched a film. Romeo and Juliet. At first, Isak had laughed at the mere thought of it, assuming the movie was going to be shit. But then Even went on and on about the genius of Baz Luhrmann and so Isak agreed just to shut him up.

Half-way through the movie, Even had bent down and stole a kiss from Isak, running his hand on Isak’s sharp hip and had said, “You’re mine, right? We’re…together?”

Isak had blanched a little, caught off guard. “Yeah. I had just assumed that we…that you wanted…”

“I do. I want you to be my boyfriend.” Even had nodded, kissing Isak again. And he kissed him deeper and with more passion when Isak had asked whether Even was sure; his insecurities creeping into the question more than he’d meant for them to.

“I’ve never been surer of anything, Is. I promise.”

Even had spent an afternoon three days later researching all the best programs Isak could apply for, the types of jobs he might want after getting different degrees. He put it all into a PowerPoint for Isak and explained what he’d found, what he could see Isak enjoying. The gesture was so amazing to Isak; that Even had spent all this time focusing on Isak’s dream that he hadn’t really shared with anyone before. That had led to a heavy make-out session on Isak’s bed, both of them panting and flushed within minutes.

But Even never pushed for more. He never tried to touch Isak, even though both of them were hard.

Isak listened to Even’s parents when he came over for dinner the following night as they explained certain things Isak might need to do should Even have another episode. Isak asked questions about it, looking to Even the whole time. Isak wasn’t scared of this – he didn’t need to be. He just wanted to know more about it from Even’s perspective and from the people in his life who had seen him go through it already.

“My illness always makes me feel like I’m missing something. That I don’t have as much to offer people as someone else would. There will always be a better friend, or a better boyfriend. Someone who isn’t bipolar.” Even had said, sitting cross-legged on his carpeted floor as he faced Isak. There were tears falling down his cheeks as he spoke, not meeting Isak’s eye.

“Sonja tried to mother me through it. She always acted like…like I could snap at any moment. It made the times when I was stable and fine unenjoyable because she was always waiting for the shoe to drop. I kind of started to feel that way about myself when we were together. I couldn’t be who I wanted, or do what I wanted because why bother? Another episode would come soon enough, and who knew what crazy shit I was going to get into?” Even sniffed, wiping his face with the back of his sleeve.

“I won’t do that.” Isak interjected, reaching for Even so quickly that it took a second for him to grasp Even’s hand properly. “You’re never a burden to me.”

“You say that _now,_ but…”

“No, Even.” Isak shook his head. “You’re never a burden, or a waste of time. And I’ll never resent you for having an illness that’s out of your control. Like, what the fuck?”

Even chuckled a little, finally looking up at his boyfriend.

“I’ve learned a lot recently.” Isak continued, knowing Even was listening. He scooted closer until their foreheads were touching. “But the most important thing I figured out is that life is _now._ Right this second. And…not to be cliché, but why the hell would we spend right now worrying about tomorrow? What the _fuck_ would that do except ruin right now? This goes along quite well with my ‘let’s keep things chill’ theory. We’re still taking this chill, okay?”

Even had wrapped his arms around Isak and pulled him until they both wound up on the floor, Isak on top of Even. Isak clung on as much as he could, soothing Even through the sobs that wracked his body.

“I love you, Isak. I know it’s soon and everything, but you need to know. I _love you.”_ Even whispered when his crying had stopped.

Like everything when it came to Even, Isak didn’t hesitate when he said, “I love you too.”

That had been four days ago. Four days of knowing they loved each other, of Isak being sure Even was in this for more than sex; that he wanted Isak despite him not being experienced with relationships or knowing much about films. And despite the fact that every single part of Isak wanted to rip Even’s clothes off every time they were together because _holy fuck_ his boyfriend was hot…Isak just couldn’t let himself do it.

“But… _why?”_ Magnus practically shouted, frowning at Isak.

“Ugh, shut up. I don’t need a lecture from _you_ of all people.” Isak groaned.

“I mean, come on! Are you afraid Even’s been lying this whole time? That’s fucking logical. _Oh, Isak_.” Magnus brushed a hand through his hair, clearly trying to imitate Even’s quiff. “Here, let me be the best boyfriend in the world, let you meet my parents, tell you about my illness and interests and then show unwavering interest in everything you want. Let me offer to travel with you around the bloody world. But _of course,_ as soon as we bang I’m out of here!”

Isak looked to Jonas for support, but Jonas just shrugged his shoulders.

“You’re taking his side?!”

“Just do it, Isak. Jump the guy’s bones. I really, _really_ don’t think he’s a bad guy. I thought he was, back on Valentine’s Day. Hell, I pushed him against a _wall.”_ Jonas explained, making Isak immediately choke on his bite of food. “But from what you’ve told us…Even’s good for you. And you’re good for him.”

“You pushed Even against a _wall?!”_

“Isak! Focus on the important part of what Jonas said. In conclusion, you should fuck Even. Go at it all night, bro.” Magnus interjected, standing up as the bell rang. “And if you need some liquid encouragement, Vilde’s having a party tonight. Even can come too.”

Isak just frowned as Jonas and Magnus left him, walking off to their next classes. Isak actually felt dumbfounded and it took him another minute until he got up as well.

**

“There’s a party tonight. You in?” Isak asked between kisses, hardly able to keep his hands to himself anymore. As soon as Even was within reach, Isak grabbed for him and brought their mouths together. A few people cat-called them as they walked by, turning Isak’s face a shade of pink.

“Um. Sure. I’m down.” Even smiled, pulling back as Isak tried to kiss him again.

“What?” Isak asked, suddenly a bit worried. Even hadn’t denied Isak kisses before and Isak was panicking that he’d done something wrong.

But Even’s eyes were focused on something behind Isak, and when Isak turned to look, he understood why Even had stopped.

“Um, hi.” Sonja said hesitantly, looking awkward as she stood close to them.

“Hey, Sonja.” Even greeted. Isak stayed silent.

“I don’t mean to make this weird.” Sonja laughed, the sound a high-pitched squeak. “But I guess it already is. I…I, uh…I just wanted to say that…”

Sonja looked to be struggling with whatever it was she wanted to say and Isak pulled his backpack over his shoulder. “I can leave. If you wanted to talk to Even alone.” He offered, wanting to make this easier for her. Because after all, she hadn’t really done anything wrong. It wasn’t her fault her and Even’s relationship hasn’t lasted.

“No, that’s okay. Isak, I actually wanted to tell you both something.” Sonja said, reaching to pull Isak back. He had begun walking away.

“Oh. Okay.” Isak coughed, glancing at Even who looked equally as confused.

“I know we weren’t meant to be, Even. I hope one day we can maybe be friends again, or at least…I don’t know. Talk sometimes. And I’m…I’m really happy you have each other.” Sonja managed a smile, and even though there was sadness behind it, Isak could tell it was genuine. “Isak called me the night he went and found you, Even. He was worried and asked me so many questions about how he could help you. I think I knew right then that he was good for you. And I just…I just wanted you to know that.”

Isak flashed Sonja a smile, the only thing he could think to do. There wasn’t really anything else he could say. Even let out a breath before he stepped towards Sonja and gave her a quick hug.

“I think we’ll be friends again someday. Just gotta give it some time.” Even told her, also smiling. “But thank you for saying that, Sonja. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. See you guys around.” Sonja nodded, giving them a little wave before she walked back down the hallway.

“You okay?” Isak asked, seeing the guilty look on Even’s face.

“Yeah. I’m good.” Even said. “Promise.”

**

Isak knew he was tipsy. He knew Even was tipsy too. Most people at the party were. Vilde and Magnus had been groping each other on the couch most of the night. Jonas and Eva were making out even though Jonas had said only a week ago that they would _never_ get back together. And Isak was sitting next to Even in the bathtub, their knees hanging over the edge as they passed a joint between them. The noise from the party was muffled by the closed and locked door, and Isak was lost in looking at Even; hyper-aware of their fingers touching when the joint went back and forth. His mouth felt numb, his tongue a huge thing behind his lips that tasted of the thick green leaves and foamy beer. Even was a warm wall next to him where their arms were touching and Isak was so freakin’ hard it was starting to hurt.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Even fucking into him; spreading his legs the way he had and thrusting into him, deeper and deeper. Isak’s eyes were watering just imaging of it. And Even was oblivious, going on and on about something. _Films._ Yeah, films. That was it. Isak was totally paying attention. He was just distracted by the curve of Even’s soft jaw, the way he moved his hands as he talked. Isak couldn’t stop remembering how he tasted, how he’d put those long fingers into Isak’s mouth to stop him from screaming that night and waking up his roommates.

“Do you think…” Isak interrupted, clearing his throat. “That in another universe somewhere, we are actually Elio and Oliver? We met in Italy in a small town and fell in love?”

Even threw his head back and laughed, smoking in a long drag of the joint a second later. “Why are you so hung up on this film?”

“I’m hung up on universes.” Isak corrected. “And maybe, in this universe, we didn’t see the film together. We _were_ the characters. We were them, saying each other’s names. And we were… _bigger._ We were…beyond time. Before time. We were everything all at once.”

Even studied him a second, considering. “Maybe. And maybe not.”

“We were bigger than infinity. We were. I can sense it.” Isak nodded, still feeling hazy. He pulled himself up unsteadily, only to plunk himself back down in Even’s lap; straddling him and wrapping his arms around Even’s neck. “You’re my infinity. And we would always know each other. In whatever universe. Okay?” He whispered, leaning down and kissing Even before his boyfriend could answer. He just wrapped his arms around Isak’s lean body and moved his mouth against Isak’s helplessly.

“Come home with me.” Isak said, bumping his nose gently along Even’s.

“Okay.”

**

Isak was almost eighteen. He’d barely started his life, and he knew that. He knew he didn’t know what the future held. He knew Even could very well break up with him; that this love between them could end. Maybe they’d live together someday. Maybe Isak would move away and live somewhere entirely different, somewhere he couldn’t even imagine right now.

Even would have another episode. Isak might also get sick. Something bad could happen. A war. A fucking zombie apocalypse. Who the fuck knew.

Isak knew his life wasn’t a film. And that books and films and art took people momentarily away from reality. It was an escape, a dream world; something that would never actually happen. Isak knew he wasn’t Elio. Even wasn’t Oliver. The idea of infinity was too much to bear. Alternate universes perhaps existed parallel to each other, on top of each other; side by side. Everyone was floating in a sea of dark blue and fiery stars.

But as Isak pulled Even by the hips deeper inside himself, kissed Even’s wet mouth – felt their legs tangled up in the soft sheets of Isak’s bed – Isak knew that right that second, right _now,_ he was Elio. He was Isak. He was in love with a boy who had taken over his body, his mind. His entirety.

And _God._

He didn’t want it to stop.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated! :)
> 
> Come say hi  
> [here](http://photographer-of-thoughts.tumblr.com/)  
> <3


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